OK, this is a first. I am now using this blog to ask you a favour. There is a campaign to have Alan Turing on the next set of bank notes issued. I would like to see that and, if you would like to see that too, you can sign a petition to bring this about by logging onto this link:
http://epetitions.direct.gov.uk/petitions/31659?utm_source=LGF+weekly+bulletin&utm_campaign=845a714f24-Weekly_Bulletin_10_30_2012&utm_medium=email
It only takes a couple of minutes. We need 100,000 signatures to get the proposal considered by the Treasury and the current count stand at over 25,000. So every vote counts. Thanks. J x
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
One Step Forward...
... so had a rubbish night last night. No idea why because there was no one site of any pain but rather a number of random aches and pains that woke me up all through the night. Its not as though I did anything particularly different yesterday - ooh, apart from the hoovering. Could this be my body rejecting domestic duties? I do hope so! Nevertheless I need to press on with more cleaning today as the day of arrival of Madame La T draws ever nearer.
Denise called in last night after visiting Bryn in hospital. He's still in a very bad way on oxygen and intravenous drips but his mood seemed to have improved a little. But as I know only too well, mood swings are a common occurrence in hospital and a lot depends on whether you manage to get any sleep. He is being moved to a bed nearer the nurses' station so they can keep a better eye on him.
Off for coffee with the lovely Jane and the lovely chick with the choc at 1700, so something to look forward to after all that cleaning. :-) That's all for now. Maybe post again a little later. J x
Denise called in last night after visiting Bryn in hospital. He's still in a very bad way on oxygen and intravenous drips but his mood seemed to have improved a little. But as I know only too well, mood swings are a common occurrence in hospital and a lot depends on whether you manage to get any sleep. He is being moved to a bed nearer the nurses' station so they can keep a better eye on him.
Off for coffee with the lovely Jane and the lovely chick with the choc at 1700, so something to look forward to after all that cleaning. :-) That's all for now. Maybe post again a little later. J x
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
To Dust or Not To Dust...
... not really a question, more of an imperative. Madame La T arrives on Thursday and we know how demanding she can be with those white gloves of hers.
Slept really well last night (in bed again). Truth be told I was quite knackered from my little outing yesterday. My walk only lasted about half an hour yet was tiring. I am most definitely not suggesting that lunch with my management colleagues was what knackered me!
Am frustrated now by not knowing when my chemotherapy will start. And I feel guilty on the days when I feel OK that I'm not in work. But given the up and down nature of how I feel I don't think it would be practical to go back at the moment and I'm probably better waiting for the chemo to be done and dusted first anyway. Hopefully it won't be too long.
Given my weight loss I have had to purchase new jeans. Those lovely people at Burberry are sending me two pairs as I type. I'm tracking them online and they left London yesterday and travelled to Gateshead then to Preston and finally to Manchester overnight. Apparently they were dispatched for delivery at 0517 this morning but they're not here yet. Going out with DD later to Platt Fields (she insists on me getting some exercise) and I'd like to wear them then. So hurry up Burberry-people.
As news comes in today I'll keep you updated. That's all. J x
Slept really well last night (in bed again). Truth be told I was quite knackered from my little outing yesterday. My walk only lasted about half an hour yet was tiring. I am most definitely not suggesting that lunch with my management colleagues was what knackered me!
Am frustrated now by not knowing when my chemotherapy will start. And I feel guilty on the days when I feel OK that I'm not in work. But given the up and down nature of how I feel I don't think it would be practical to go back at the moment and I'm probably better waiting for the chemo to be done and dusted first anyway. Hopefully it won't be too long.
Given my weight loss I have had to purchase new jeans. Those lovely people at Burberry are sending me two pairs as I type. I'm tracking them online and they left London yesterday and travelled to Gateshead then to Preston and finally to Manchester overnight. Apparently they were dispatched for delivery at 0517 this morning but they're not here yet. Going out with DD later to Platt Fields (she insists on me getting some exercise) and I'd like to wear them then. So hurry up Burberry-people.
As news comes in today I'll keep you updated. That's all. J x
Monday, October 29, 2012
2 Quick Thank Yous
Had two cards today, both of which brought a smile to my face so thought I would share them -
The first from Kate says: When life gives you lemons... grab tequila and salt". If no one else appreciates this, Fig will. We spent many a happy night on tequila, lemons and salt. Not sure how my dry husk of a mouth would react to that these days but I'd love to give it a go. So when you're up or I'm down Fig, that's what we'll be doing. :-) Thank you Kate.
The second, from those adorable people, Maggie & Paul says: Everything happens for a reason... usually its because life sucks. Be strong". Fabulous. But possibly not true as things generally don't happen for a reason (discuss!). Thank you M&P.
Just back from lunch with Chris, Daniel, Lisa and Ronda. Very nice too and great to see them and catch up. Felt so good after that in fact that I went for a quick stroll around town. Decided against walking all the way in to the Arndale to buy my iPad which was probably the right decision but I need to do that soon. Hopefully before I go home to Wales. May go and buy it in John Lewis instead. Can always find out how to use to from a) online, b) people who already have one, c) trial and error. You get a longer guarantee from John Lewis too although given my circumstances this probably won't be a significant factor in my choice (some gallows humour there for those of you who, like myself, enjoy that sort of thing).
And now this has turned into a full blown posting. Oh well, what the hell. Not heard from any hospitals today. I'm guessing I'll get a letter from The Christie tomorrow or the day after for my initial appointment with Dr Yvonne Summers (does anyone else think she sounds like she should be in Holby City or one of those American hospital dramas?). I'll let you know what she's actually like once I've met her. Hopefully she's nice (and most people at The Christie are - just look at the lovely Debbie).
So that's all for today. Looking forward to seeing Lesley (and possibly DD) later and hopefully hearing some news from B&M. Ciao bambinos.... J x
The first from Kate says: When life gives you lemons... grab tequila and salt". If no one else appreciates this, Fig will. We spent many a happy night on tequila, lemons and salt. Not sure how my dry husk of a mouth would react to that these days but I'd love to give it a go. So when you're up or I'm down Fig, that's what we'll be doing. :-) Thank you Kate.
The second, from those adorable people, Maggie & Paul says: Everything happens for a reason... usually its because life sucks. Be strong". Fabulous. But possibly not true as things generally don't happen for a reason (discuss!). Thank you M&P.
Just back from lunch with Chris, Daniel, Lisa and Ronda. Very nice too and great to see them and catch up. Felt so good after that in fact that I went for a quick stroll around town. Decided against walking all the way in to the Arndale to buy my iPad which was probably the right decision but I need to do that soon. Hopefully before I go home to Wales. May go and buy it in John Lewis instead. Can always find out how to use to from a) online, b) people who already have one, c) trial and error. You get a longer guarantee from John Lewis too although given my circumstances this probably won't be a significant factor in my choice (some gallows humour there for those of you who, like myself, enjoy that sort of thing).
And now this has turned into a full blown posting. Oh well, what the hell. Not heard from any hospitals today. I'm guessing I'll get a letter from The Christie tomorrow or the day after for my initial appointment with Dr Yvonne Summers (does anyone else think she sounds like she should be in Holby City or one of those American hospital dramas?). I'll let you know what she's actually like once I've met her. Hopefully she's nice (and most people at The Christie are - just look at the lovely Debbie).
So that's all for today. Looking forward to seeing Lesley (and possibly DD) later and hopefully hearing some news from B&M. Ciao bambinos.... J x
Up and Down
So a bit of a mixed bag yesterday. Original plan had been to go to John Lewis for some new pillows (desperately needed) and then do my supermarket shopping in the Sainsburys next door. However, had a bit of a funny turn in JL and had to find the furniture department so that I could sit down for 5 minutes. It was an odd sensation, some pain but mostly just a feeling of being "unwell" without too many specifics attached to that. Managed to buy my pillows though and decided to give the supermarket a miss. But then I rallied in the car driving home and so went to Sainsburys in Salford instead. And the rest of the day was a bit like that too - unwell one minute and fine the next. All sorted by the evening though which allowed for a trouble free viewing of Countryfile and Downton. Can't believe Downton finishes next week. What is the cliff hanger likely to be? Bet it involves poor old Thomas...
Plans for today include lunch with the old management team from Warrington - which will be a great chance to catch up with those who have since moved on. And then the very fragrant Ms Conroy will be calling in on her way home from work. Looking forward to catching up with her too.
For those interested in my sleeping habits, I actually managed to sleep in my bed rather than on the sofa last night. This did not, as I had feared, reintroduce the awful abdominal pain so fingers crossed I can return to a more normal sleep pattern from now on. Still taking lots of drugs at the moment but at least now they seem to keep the pain at bay during the night.
My thoughts today will be with Bryn & Michele who are still awaiting answers in Wythenshawe hospital and with Gill who is still suffering from a dreadful cold/flu.
May update again later with any work gossip/scandal (should here be any of course). That's all for now. J x
Plans for today include lunch with the old management team from Warrington - which will be a great chance to catch up with those who have since moved on. And then the very fragrant Ms Conroy will be calling in on her way home from work. Looking forward to catching up with her too.
For those interested in my sleeping habits, I actually managed to sleep in my bed rather than on the sofa last night. This did not, as I had feared, reintroduce the awful abdominal pain so fingers crossed I can return to a more normal sleep pattern from now on. Still taking lots of drugs at the moment but at least now they seem to keep the pain at bay during the night.
My thoughts today will be with Bryn & Michele who are still awaiting answers in Wythenshawe hospital and with Gill who is still suffering from a dreadful cold/flu.
May update again later with any work gossip/scandal (should here be any of course). That's all for now. J x
Saturday, October 27, 2012
A Quiet Weekend
So not much happening really. Last night was lovely though as Michele is back from New York and we had dinner at Felicinis. Great to see her and great to hear the Tales of New York and also to receive my present: a book called Scatter My Ashes at Bergdorf Goodman. And don't worry, its not a book about funerals but rather a book about that fabulous shop Bergdorf Goodman - my absolute favourite shop in NY (Karen will remember it as the shop I bought my Issye Miyake jacket in when we were in NY - the shop where the sales assistant, on being asked by us where was good to go on a Saturday night, replied that he "...never went out at weekends as the town was full of tourists at weekends". An absolutely fabulous put down on a par with "I'm sorry, we don't sell the Dolce & Gabbana diffusion line" - a put down line Fig will remember). Anyway, I'm half way through the book and love it. It also came in the most glorious, over-the-top BG packaging and with a glorious BG carrier bag. Thank you B&M.
No real news to report on Bryn. He's now spent several nights on various wards in Wythenshawe hospital and the doctors still don't know what's going on. Whilst this isn't a completely unheard of phenomenon it is really frustrating for those involved. Get well soon Bryn-lad.
Today had a visit from the loveliness that is Jim (have I told you that the Lesbian and Gay Foundation - where I do my helpline volunteering - sent me a gorgeous bunch of flowers?) and heard tales of all his busyness. He is the busiest man I know.
Then for a walk in Wythenshawe park with the lovely DD. Beautiful at this time of the year (the park that is, DD is beautiful all year round). And now a night in when I may well treat myself to the long-denied DVD that is Prometheus. Might be a bit scary though. We'll see.
Tomorrow am planning a trip to John Lewis and Sainsburys in Cheadle Hulme and that's it. Weekend done and dusted. And then a luncheon date on Monday with the "old" management team from Warrington office. Hurrah.
Am expecting to hear early next week when my treatment is likely to kick off so watch this space bunnies. And have a good weekend out there in bunny-world. That's all. J x
No real news to report on Bryn. He's now spent several nights on various wards in Wythenshawe hospital and the doctors still don't know what's going on. Whilst this isn't a completely unheard of phenomenon it is really frustrating for those involved. Get well soon Bryn-lad.
Today had a visit from the loveliness that is Jim (have I told you that the Lesbian and Gay Foundation - where I do my helpline volunteering - sent me a gorgeous bunch of flowers?) and heard tales of all his busyness. He is the busiest man I know.
Then for a walk in Wythenshawe park with the lovely DD. Beautiful at this time of the year (the park that is, DD is beautiful all year round). And now a night in when I may well treat myself to the long-denied DVD that is Prometheus. Might be a bit scary though. We'll see.
Tomorrow am planning a trip to John Lewis and Sainsburys in Cheadle Hulme and that's it. Weekend done and dusted. And then a luncheon date on Monday with the "old" management team from Warrington office. Hurrah.
Am expecting to hear early next week when my treatment is likely to kick off so watch this space bunnies. And have a good weekend out there in bunny-world. That's all. J x
Friday, October 26, 2012
Onc Onc
Why have one oncologist when you can have two?
Saw Dr Burt from The Christie this morning. Turns out that he's not the one who will be overseeing my chemotherapy. That's Dr Summers also from The Christie. If I need any radiotherapy after the chemotherapy then it will be back to Dr Burt. But since he's the person who attends the MRI multi-disciplinary team meeting I needed to see him first. We talked at length about how this developed and where we go next (a lot of which has previously been discussed with Dr Bailey and which I'm sure must be in my notes - how many times do I need to tell people I've never worked with asbestos? Do I look like a fucking builder?).
Some stuff was quite interesting though. He was at pains to emphasise that the 12-18 months is an average and that some people do worse and some people do better. Of course he's no clue how I'll do until he sees how I react to the treatment. In any case I have decided to at least start the treatment and see how it goes. Apparently I'm likely to be on carboplatin rather than cisplatin. The former has less side effects than the latter which is good news.
There will be 6 cycles maximum with each cycle taking three weeks. That of course runs right through Christmas. Oh joy.
For those of you on the edge of your seats my trip yesterday evening was a tour of the Coronation Street set. We know a person who works in the wardrobe department and she showed us around everywhere - including watching some filming in the Rovers Return. V exciting. Have even been told there may be the possibility of me appearing as an extra at some point in the future. V v exciting. Watch this space. Interestingly they are currently filming the Christmas story lines so all the sets have the decorations up at the moment.
Tonight I'm seeing Michele later to catch up with all the New York tales and the tales of Bryn from Wythenshawe hospital. Exchanged texts with him this morning and can report he's not a happy bunny as a patient. I so sympathise with him. :-(
And that's all for now people. More updates tomorrow hopefully (sorry you didn't get anything yesterday).
Saw Dr Burt from The Christie this morning. Turns out that he's not the one who will be overseeing my chemotherapy. That's Dr Summers also from The Christie. If I need any radiotherapy after the chemotherapy then it will be back to Dr Burt. But since he's the person who attends the MRI multi-disciplinary team meeting I needed to see him first. We talked at length about how this developed and where we go next (a lot of which has previously been discussed with Dr Bailey and which I'm sure must be in my notes - how many times do I need to tell people I've never worked with asbestos? Do I look like a fucking builder?).
Some stuff was quite interesting though. He was at pains to emphasise that the 12-18 months is an average and that some people do worse and some people do better. Of course he's no clue how I'll do until he sees how I react to the treatment. In any case I have decided to at least start the treatment and see how it goes. Apparently I'm likely to be on carboplatin rather than cisplatin. The former has less side effects than the latter which is good news.
There will be 6 cycles maximum with each cycle taking three weeks. That of course runs right through Christmas. Oh joy.
For those of you on the edge of your seats my trip yesterday evening was a tour of the Coronation Street set. We know a person who works in the wardrobe department and she showed us around everywhere - including watching some filming in the Rovers Return. V exciting. Have even been told there may be the possibility of me appearing as an extra at some point in the future. V v exciting. Watch this space. Interestingly they are currently filming the Christmas story lines so all the sets have the decorations up at the moment.
file://localhost/Users/jonathanlewis/Downloads/image.jpeg
Tonight I'm seeing Michele later to catch up with all the New York tales and the tales of Bryn from Wythenshawe hospital. Exchanged texts with him this morning and can report he's not a happy bunny as a patient. I so sympathise with him. :-(
And that's all for now people. More updates tomorrow hopefully (sorry you didn't get anything yesterday).
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
The Day After The Bad News
Bizarrely had one of my best night's sleeps for about two months last night. I put this down to the fact that I prefer certainty to uncertainty (me embrace change? what ever gave you that idea?) even where that certainty isn't the best outcome possible. Knowing what I know now effectively allows me to start planning the rest of my life whereas before yesterday I couldn't do that. To be fair I won't know every last detail of what lies ahead until after I've spoken to the oncologist on Friday (and probably not even then) but it will be enough for me to make plans. Not sure what those will be yet but should they turn out to be "sit on my sofa and not communicate with anyone in the outside world" then that is what I will do. Sorry if this upsets you. Rest assured I will not do anything to deliberately upset anyone but neither will I live the life someone else believes I should live or would want me to live. This may also include refusing treatment to give me a few extra months. The quality of my life it what matters to me most now rather than the quantity.
Having said all the above (which really is the worst case scenario) my priorities for my remaining months are likely to include (in no particular order) -
* Friends
* Family
* Cinema
* Shopping
* Trees
* Design
* Vodka martinis
* Sorting out my will and funeral details
* The theatre
* All 3 Hobbit films (I do hope I have enough time for all 3)
* My sofa, telly, favourite box sets, PS3
* Art
* This blog and you, dear readers
* Cities
New ones may well occur to me. I'll keep you posted.
It was suggested to me this week by a very dear friend that I should consider publishing this blog. A notion I'm not attracted to a) because I don't think its interesting enough for people who don't know me b) I wouldn't want to make money out of it anyway and c) knowing it was going to be published would change the way I wrote it (which may or may not be a bad thing!). Anyway, I won't be looking into that but would rather leave the blog online and as a memorial to my life and friends. I'm not sure how long Blogger.com keep these things online. Presumably if there's been a long period of inactivity they remove the blog? I should maybe look into that and task someone with logging on once a year so it remains in place? I'll have a think about that. Or maybe I would need to set up my own web address to keep it going? If anyone knows the answer to these questions then please let me know.
Today was a good day though. Went to the Trough of Bowland with DD to look at the trees which are magnificent at this time of year. We had lunch at an Inn whose name I've forgotten but which has a set of stepping stones at the back across a wide (but shallow) river. And yes, of course I walked across them and back again because I'm a boy. DD didn't because she isn't (and was in heels). Lunch was lovely and then it was back into Manchester to meet a team member, his wife and child - the very adorable William who is 18 months old and just a delight. Eventually got home at 1800, exhausted. Have taken things easy this evening.
Heard from Michele this evening. They're back from New York but Bryn hasn't been well and has, in fact, been taken into Wythenshawe hospital because he was having breathing difficulties. I'm fairly sure this is down to the excitement and pace of life in NY and the pressurised cabin plus jet lag on the way home and that he'll make a rapid recovery. Fingers crossed for him everyone please. But at least if I'm going to visit I know my way there...!
And that's all I've got for you at the moment bunnies. Quiet day tomorrow followed by a secret trip out tomorrow evening which I can't tell you about until I've been. Watch this space... :-) J x
Having said all the above (which really is the worst case scenario) my priorities for my remaining months are likely to include (in no particular order) -
* Friends
* Family
* Cinema
* Shopping
* Trees
* Design
* Vodka martinis
* Sorting out my will and funeral details
* The theatre
* All 3 Hobbit films (I do hope I have enough time for all 3)
* My sofa, telly, favourite box sets, PS3
* Art
* This blog and you, dear readers
* Cities
New ones may well occur to me. I'll keep you posted.
It was suggested to me this week by a very dear friend that I should consider publishing this blog. A notion I'm not attracted to a) because I don't think its interesting enough for people who don't know me b) I wouldn't want to make money out of it anyway and c) knowing it was going to be published would change the way I wrote it (which may or may not be a bad thing!). Anyway, I won't be looking into that but would rather leave the blog online and as a memorial to my life and friends. I'm not sure how long Blogger.com keep these things online. Presumably if there's been a long period of inactivity they remove the blog? I should maybe look into that and task someone with logging on once a year so it remains in place? I'll have a think about that. Or maybe I would need to set up my own web address to keep it going? If anyone knows the answer to these questions then please let me know.
Today was a good day though. Went to the Trough of Bowland with DD to look at the trees which are magnificent at this time of year. We had lunch at an Inn whose name I've forgotten but which has a set of stepping stones at the back across a wide (but shallow) river. And yes, of course I walked across them and back again because I'm a boy. DD didn't because she isn't (and was in heels). Lunch was lovely and then it was back into Manchester to meet a team member, his wife and child - the very adorable William who is 18 months old and just a delight. Eventually got home at 1800, exhausted. Have taken things easy this evening.
Heard from Michele this evening. They're back from New York but Bryn hasn't been well and has, in fact, been taken into Wythenshawe hospital because he was having breathing difficulties. I'm fairly sure this is down to the excitement and pace of life in NY and the pressurised cabin plus jet lag on the way home and that he'll make a rapid recovery. Fingers crossed for him everyone please. But at least if I'm going to visit I know my way there...!
And that's all I've got for you at the moment bunnies. Quiet day tomorrow followed by a secret trip out tomorrow evening which I can't tell you about until I've been. Watch this space... :-) J x
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Sorry, But Its Bad News
Saw Dr Bailey this afternoon to get the results of the PET scan. Unfortunately this shows that the cancer has spread outside my right lung. The "hotspots" that show up are -
* One of the glands just outside my right lung
* The lining of the pleura (this, you may recall is where we got all the "negative" biopsy results - but that may be down to sampling error on account of all the fluid that was present).
* My left lung
* My hip bones
A rather bizarre list of places (particularly the hip) but there you go. This means that surgery and cure are no longer on the table. We revert instead to the original prognosis of 12-18 months. Upsetting in its own way but I at least have some certainty now and can plan what time I have left accordingly. I know it sounds odd but I prefer this to the uncertainty I had before with things dragging on from week to week. To be honest it had all started to get me down a bit.
I will now see the oncologist, Dr Burt, on Friday to discuss palliative treatment options. This, realistically, is likely to just be chemotherapy. Before deciding whether to go ahead with this I will want to find out how much extra time its likely to buy me, what the side effects are likely to be in terms of pain, debilitation, my hair (I don't have a lot but I like what I've got!) etc. I can then make decisions. I can also, if I wish, start treatment, see how it goes and then give it up if I want to. But that's likely to prove problematic for the people around me so it may be better to just decide one way or the other from the outset.
My main goal in all this will be quality of life rather than quantity. I'm not going to cling onto life by my fingernails in the hope of that miracle sure just around the corner. I hope everyone will be able to respect my wishes and support me in my choices even if its not what they would do given the same circumstances.
I know this news will be upsetting for a lot of you. Bizarrely, probably more upsetting than it is for me. It may be that it will take time to sink in and I will feel more upset than I do right now. Maybe I'm in shock but it doesn't feel like that to me. I now know what I know and for me that is better than not knowing. So if I have 12 months left then I will try and spend that 12 months doing the things I want to do (which is unlikely to include travelling the world) in my own quiet way and just enjoying myself with the ones I love.
I don't want to get overly dramatic here but its difficult when one is discussing life and death stuff not to sound melodramatic. I want to thank you all for the help and support I've had over the years because you've made a huge difference to my life and I hope you can make as much of a difference to my death too by continuing to help and support me. I feel fairly confident that you will but I just wanted to make sure you all realised how thankful I am to have such a great bunch of friends looking out for me. A poor Welsh gay boy couldn't ask for any more. Thanks.
I will, of course, be updating this daily and particularly on Friday once I know what my options are. That's all bunnies. J x
Oh, except P.S. What the fuck is it with Brighton? I've been trying to text Fig & Karen with the above news before publishing it here but the messages won't get through. Every other bugger around the country received their's OK but not you two. So sorry if this is the first you're hearing about this.
* One of the glands just outside my right lung
* The lining of the pleura (this, you may recall is where we got all the "negative" biopsy results - but that may be down to sampling error on account of all the fluid that was present).
* My left lung
* My hip bones
A rather bizarre list of places (particularly the hip) but there you go. This means that surgery and cure are no longer on the table. We revert instead to the original prognosis of 12-18 months. Upsetting in its own way but I at least have some certainty now and can plan what time I have left accordingly. I know it sounds odd but I prefer this to the uncertainty I had before with things dragging on from week to week. To be honest it had all started to get me down a bit.
I will now see the oncologist, Dr Burt, on Friday to discuss palliative treatment options. This, realistically, is likely to just be chemotherapy. Before deciding whether to go ahead with this I will want to find out how much extra time its likely to buy me, what the side effects are likely to be in terms of pain, debilitation, my hair (I don't have a lot but I like what I've got!) etc. I can then make decisions. I can also, if I wish, start treatment, see how it goes and then give it up if I want to. But that's likely to prove problematic for the people around me so it may be better to just decide one way or the other from the outset.
My main goal in all this will be quality of life rather than quantity. I'm not going to cling onto life by my fingernails in the hope of that miracle sure just around the corner. I hope everyone will be able to respect my wishes and support me in my choices even if its not what they would do given the same circumstances.
I know this news will be upsetting for a lot of you. Bizarrely, probably more upsetting than it is for me. It may be that it will take time to sink in and I will feel more upset than I do right now. Maybe I'm in shock but it doesn't feel like that to me. I now know what I know and for me that is better than not knowing. So if I have 12 months left then I will try and spend that 12 months doing the things I want to do (which is unlikely to include travelling the world) in my own quiet way and just enjoying myself with the ones I love.
I don't want to get overly dramatic here but its difficult when one is discussing life and death stuff not to sound melodramatic. I want to thank you all for the help and support I've had over the years because you've made a huge difference to my life and I hope you can make as much of a difference to my death too by continuing to help and support me. I feel fairly confident that you will but I just wanted to make sure you all realised how thankful I am to have such a great bunch of friends looking out for me. A poor Welsh gay boy couldn't ask for any more. Thanks.
I will, of course, be updating this daily and particularly on Friday once I know what my options are. That's all bunnies. J x
Oh, except P.S. What the fuck is it with Brighton? I've been trying to text Fig & Karen with the above news before publishing it here but the messages won't get through. Every other bugger around the country received their's OK but not you two. So sorry if this is the first you're hearing about this.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Not Much To Report
Been a quiet day. Luckily largely pain-free (as was last night). Had a few hours sleep and dozed on and off in between. Fingers crossed for tonight and then results of the PET scan tomorrow. Will text and blog as soon as I can once I have any results.
Met up with Anne and Denise for a vodka martini tonight. Once again had to teach the barman how to make them. We had a long (long) discussion about religion. It seems to be the only thing people want to talk to me about these days. But lovely to see Anne again.
Not sure what's going on with Panorama tonight. Originally in the schedules for 2030 it didn't appear at that time and on the news they've just referred to it as being aired "shortly". Bet there's lawyers involved in all this somewhere... Oooh, just said its on at 1035. Same time as Newsnight. Interesting scheduling. Required viewing I think but will end up flicking back and forth between the two... That's all for now bunnies. Be in touch tomorrow. J x
Met up with Anne and Denise for a vodka martini tonight. Once again had to teach the barman how to make them. We had a long (long) discussion about religion. It seems to be the only thing people want to talk to me about these days. But lovely to see Anne again.
Not sure what's going on with Panorama tonight. Originally in the schedules for 2030 it didn't appear at that time and on the news they've just referred to it as being aired "shortly". Bet there's lawyers involved in all this somewhere... Oooh, just said its on at 1035. Same time as Newsnight. Interesting scheduling. Required viewing I think but will end up flicking back and forth between the two... That's all for now bunnies. Be in touch tomorrow. J x
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Sleep(ish)
Despite being completely exhausted I only managed 2 hours or so sleep last night. But on the plus side I wasn't in any pain particularly and did doze on and off throughout the rest of the night. I also managed to fall asleep when I was supposed to be meeting Denise in the morning and so was late for that!
Did eventually meet up with DD though and we went for a walk in Whitworth park (some really lovely, mature - over 100 years old - trees but the park itself isn't really big enough). We then had coffee in the art gallery and then off to Sainsburys for a big shop. Was able to park in the disabled parking spaces as my blue badge has now arrived but I can't tell you how guilty it made me feel. When walking to and from the car I almost felt like I should be limping or something just so people could see I was ill!
Then Maggie and Paul have been around this afternoon. I love them. They are such generous and genuine people. And they make me food. To be fair to Maggie, she is quite upfront about why they are so nice to me - she wants me to leave her my coffee table in her will... But I now have some spicy parsnip soup and some broccoli and stilton soup in my freezer. Yum.
I also need to mention the very lovely chick with the choc as she has done it again and made me another chocolate torte. I shall approach this one with more caution (maybe wear a helmet or something?) and hopefully not make myself ill! I will freeze some of it so that I can spread out my culinary pleasure. Ev has also retaliated against Denise's plan to make me a buddhist by buying me a rosary (which I'm wearing as I type). Never mind the Middle East, religious warfare has broken out in City South... :-) Should anyone wish to buy me a copy of the Koran or theTorah, then go ahead. Lets really mix this up...
And that's all for now. Except to say that Denise and I watched War Horse on Sky Premiere last night. It has to be the biggest load of tosh I have ever seen. Badly written, badly filmed, badly acted and it went on for ever. Mr Spielberg should be ashamed of himself. J x
Did eventually meet up with DD though and we went for a walk in Whitworth park (some really lovely, mature - over 100 years old - trees but the park itself isn't really big enough). We then had coffee in the art gallery and then off to Sainsburys for a big shop. Was able to park in the disabled parking spaces as my blue badge has now arrived but I can't tell you how guilty it made me feel. When walking to and from the car I almost felt like I should be limping or something just so people could see I was ill!
Then Maggie and Paul have been around this afternoon. I love them. They are such generous and genuine people. And they make me food. To be fair to Maggie, she is quite upfront about why they are so nice to me - she wants me to leave her my coffee table in her will... But I now have some spicy parsnip soup and some broccoli and stilton soup in my freezer. Yum.
I also need to mention the very lovely chick with the choc as she has done it again and made me another chocolate torte. I shall approach this one with more caution (maybe wear a helmet or something?) and hopefully not make myself ill! I will freeze some of it so that I can spread out my culinary pleasure. Ev has also retaliated against Denise's plan to make me a buddhist by buying me a rosary (which I'm wearing as I type). Never mind the Middle East, religious warfare has broken out in City South... :-) Should anyone wish to buy me a copy of the Koran or theTorah, then go ahead. Lets really mix this up...
And that's all for now. Except to say that Denise and I watched War Horse on Sky Premiere last night. It has to be the biggest load of tosh I have ever seen. Badly written, badly filmed, badly acted and it went on for ever. Mr Spielberg should be ashamed of himself. J x
Saturday, October 20, 2012
No Fun
So the scan was a bit of an ordeal. Not because of anything intrinsic to the process - they inject radioactive glucose into your bloodstream and, because you haven't eaten for 6 hours, the body gobbles this up. Malignant cancer cells are greedier than others and so the scan highlights the radioactive hot spots on your body denoting the spread of the cancer. Such a simple and elegant approach I think. But the scan requires one to lie flat on ones back for 20 minutes - and that's when my hernia pain really kicks in. Originally they had me lying on a bare board but it was unbearable so they had to change this for a softer surface but even so I only just made it. The fact that the radiographer was counting down the minutes for me was really all that allowed me to endure the pain for the duration. I cried when it had finished.
The crying was also the result of an almost wholly sleepless night last night too. I feel a bit better now and, hopefully, tired enough to sleep tonight no matter what. I'll let you know.
On the plus side my disabled blue badge has arrived and so parking at the hospital was a doddle (and free). And DD is coming round tonight to watch War Horse. I don't expect to like it having seen the stage version (quite cleverly done but with a rather thin storyline I seem to recall me thinking at the time). But who knows, in my tired and emotional state I may end up crying like a girl... Hey ho. I'm not too proud to admit I have an emotional side. And that's all for now my lovers. See you here tomorrow when I will hopefully be reporting hours and hours of restful, pain-free sleep. J x
The crying was also the result of an almost wholly sleepless night last night too. I feel a bit better now and, hopefully, tired enough to sleep tonight no matter what. I'll let you know.
On the plus side my disabled blue badge has arrived and so parking at the hospital was a doddle (and free). And DD is coming round tonight to watch War Horse. I don't expect to like it having seen the stage version (quite cleverly done but with a rather thin storyline I seem to recall me thinking at the time). But who knows, in my tired and emotional state I may end up crying like a girl... Hey ho. I'm not too proud to admit I have an emotional side. And that's all for now my lovers. See you here tomorrow when I will hopefully be reporting hours and hours of restful, pain-free sleep. J x
Friday, October 19, 2012
Some News At Last...
... but not the whole story yet.
So the biopsy results are in and they show that the "6cm mass" in my right lung is cancerous. Further it shows that the cancer is "non-small cell carcinoma" but doesn't show which of the two non-small cell carcinomas it is. Further, more complicated tests are needed for this and these are being done as we speak. The good news, such as it is, is that non-small cell isn't as aggressive as small cel cancer.
We also don't know yet whether or how far the cancer has spread. We believe that it might not have spread to the pleura (all those biopsies were negative if you recall) but even that isn't guaranteed at the moment. The hope is that the PET scan (you'll have to look it up on Wikipedia - all I know is that I need to report to the Department of Nuclear Medicine to get it done) will show this definitively. That takes place tomorrow afternoon. Apparently they carry them out on Saturdays so that if there is a nuclear explosion, less doctors are injured/killed. I may have made that last bit up. I'm such a drama queen!
Will see Dr Bailey on Tuesday for the results of the PET scan. At that point we can talk about treatments and prognosis. The original prognosis of "months rather than years" was made on the basis that they believed the cancer had already spread to the pleura. that may still be the case but we don't know for sure at the moment...
And that's all I know bunnies. As I say, not the whole story but a bit further down the road so let's wait and see what Tuesday brings.
Other than that, managed 4 hours sleep last night which was fantastic. Feel brilliant today. That was after 2 vodka martinis though so am now having a vodka to see if I can repeat the experience tonight! Also went for a walk in Hulme Park with DD this morning (Hulme isn't far from where I live) which was actually rather pleasant. The weather was nice, we didn't get mugged or raped and we had coffee in the Zion Arts Centre. And tonight is Gardener's World. The world is looking like quite a good place from where I'm sat at the moment. Hope your views are as good. That's all. J x
So the biopsy results are in and they show that the "6cm mass" in my right lung is cancerous. Further it shows that the cancer is "non-small cell carcinoma" but doesn't show which of the two non-small cell carcinomas it is. Further, more complicated tests are needed for this and these are being done as we speak. The good news, such as it is, is that non-small cell isn't as aggressive as small cel cancer.
We also don't know yet whether or how far the cancer has spread. We believe that it might not have spread to the pleura (all those biopsies were negative if you recall) but even that isn't guaranteed at the moment. The hope is that the PET scan (you'll have to look it up on Wikipedia - all I know is that I need to report to the Department of Nuclear Medicine to get it done) will show this definitively. That takes place tomorrow afternoon. Apparently they carry them out on Saturdays so that if there is a nuclear explosion, less doctors are injured/killed. I may have made that last bit up. I'm such a drama queen!
Will see Dr Bailey on Tuesday for the results of the PET scan. At that point we can talk about treatments and prognosis. The original prognosis of "months rather than years" was made on the basis that they believed the cancer had already spread to the pleura. that may still be the case but we don't know for sure at the moment...
And that's all I know bunnies. As I say, not the whole story but a bit further down the road so let's wait and see what Tuesday brings.
Other than that, managed 4 hours sleep last night which was fantastic. Feel brilliant today. That was after 2 vodka martinis though so am now having a vodka to see if I can repeat the experience tonight! Also went for a walk in Hulme Park with DD this morning (Hulme isn't far from where I live) which was actually rather pleasant. The weather was nice, we didn't get mugged or raped and we had coffee in the Zion Arts Centre. And tonight is Gardener's World. The world is looking like quite a good place from where I'm sat at the moment. Hope your views are as good. That's all. J x
Update
4 hours sleep last night bunnies. Hurrah. I am thinking of asking Dr Bailey to prescribe me 2 vodka martinis to be taken before bedtime since alcohol clearly helps. :-) J x
Thursday, October 18, 2012
A Little Better
Last night started out as usual with all the normal pain problems but then, miracle of miracles, it stopped about 0230 and I managed to sleep until 0545. A whole 2 and a quarter hours of uninterrupted sleep. That's the most I've had for about a week. Have tried a bit of dozing subsequently but the phone has been quite busy plus I've walked up to the newsagents to get the paper, done some washing, ironing etc. Still feel a bit tired but the trip out for a couple of martinis with work colleagues should be just about doable for me.
I used the V shaped pillow but I'm not sure how much it contributed to my restful 2 hours. Because of my back I had to stuff the space between the arms of the "v" with another pillow to make sure my lower back was properly supported. This sort of negates the whole idea of the pillow really. Unless I'm using it wrongly? There were no instructions...! But it really was a lovely gesture, thank you Shaz.
Have spoken to Aged Ps this morning and they're doing fine. And Lesley was as adorable as ever yesterday evening. The whole "jobs thing" seems to be hotting up so we'll see how that all turns out...
Hope you're all having a lovely day. That's all for now. J x
I used the V shaped pillow but I'm not sure how much it contributed to my restful 2 hours. Because of my back I had to stuff the space between the arms of the "v" with another pillow to make sure my lower back was properly supported. This sort of negates the whole idea of the pillow really. Unless I'm using it wrongly? There were no instructions...! But it really was a lovely gesture, thank you Shaz.
Have spoken to Aged Ps this morning and they're doing fine. And Lesley was as adorable as ever yesterday evening. The whole "jobs thing" seems to be hotting up so we'll see how that all turns out...
Hope you're all having a lovely day. That's all for now. J x
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
An Adventure
So we went to see the trees in Heaton Park. Unfortunately we're a couple of weeks too early for them to have changed colour properly yet so whilst there were one or two fine specimens the majority are still green or greenish. However, we did sit outside and have a cup of coffee (instant, Nescafe, yuck) in the Hidden Gem (they got that half right) garden centre in Heaton Park. We also walked all the way round the lake. It was great to wander through trees and hear birdsong. Also, the big gate thing they moved from Cross Street looks fabulous in its completely out of context park setting.
I'm sad to report that the cunning plan didn't work. I had the pain as usual last night and only managed to sleep from 2330 to 0200 and then from 0730 to 0830 (I'm now keeping a precise diary). As an addition to the original cunning plan the lovely Sharon in work is sending me a V shaped pillow to see if it helps. I'm not sure but will try anything. Mother thinks the pain may be brought on by inactivity i.e. staying in one position for 2 hours or so. I'm not so sure as it recurs sometimes through the day too (I'm feeling it as I type). But in any case the referral to hernia-guy is now in process so there's not a lot to be done for the moment.
The PET scan is now taking place on Saturday (who knew they worked Saturdays?) which will miss my consultation on Friday. Obviously but I'll talk to Dr Bailey this Friday to see whether I need to wait a whole week before we can discuss the results or whether I could see him/talk to him before the following Friday.
The lovely Lesley (accompanied by aforementioned V shaped pillow) is calling round tonight and it will be good to see her as its been absolutely ages...
The plan is to meet up with some colleagues (no idea how many) at Restaurant Bar & Grill tomorrow before they all go off to their union dinner which should be good. Shame I'm not fit enough for that as its in a curry house and as we all know curry is my new favourite meal. :-)
Talked to the big boss this morning. She's not read this blog yet which might explain why I'm still getting paid! GP has signed me off for another 50 days.
And that's all bumpkins. More news tomorrow. Wish me luck with my V shapes tonight... J x
I'm sad to report that the cunning plan didn't work. I had the pain as usual last night and only managed to sleep from 2330 to 0200 and then from 0730 to 0830 (I'm now keeping a precise diary). As an addition to the original cunning plan the lovely Sharon in work is sending me a V shaped pillow to see if it helps. I'm not sure but will try anything. Mother thinks the pain may be brought on by inactivity i.e. staying in one position for 2 hours or so. I'm not so sure as it recurs sometimes through the day too (I'm feeling it as I type). But in any case the referral to hernia-guy is now in process so there's not a lot to be done for the moment.
The PET scan is now taking place on Saturday (who knew they worked Saturdays?) which will miss my consultation on Friday. Obviously but I'll talk to Dr Bailey this Friday to see whether I need to wait a whole week before we can discuss the results or whether I could see him/talk to him before the following Friday.
The lovely Lesley (accompanied by aforementioned V shaped pillow) is calling round tonight and it will be good to see her as its been absolutely ages...
The plan is to meet up with some colleagues (no idea how many) at Restaurant Bar & Grill tomorrow before they all go off to their union dinner which should be good. Shame I'm not fit enough for that as its in a curry house and as we all know curry is my new favourite meal. :-)
Talked to the big boss this morning. She's not read this blog yet which might explain why I'm still getting paid! GP has signed me off for another 50 days.
And that's all bumpkins. More news tomorrow. Wish me luck with my V shapes tonight... J x
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
New Regime
So, last night was awful again. Fell asleep on the sofa eventually around 0400. The new cunning plan is to a) Use only Ensure Plus for nutrition (this means the pain shouldn't come on during the day) b) Sleep on the sofa at night (this might mean I don't get the pain - or not as badly - at night: I think Nanny is right about the posture thing. The thing about sleeping propped up in bed is that once asleep you slide down into a flatter position - something that doesn't seem to happen on the sofa). c) Get re-referred to the hernia guy (Mr Malarkey-Moo - not sure if that is his name but can't really remember - I did this today through my GP). d) Take more morphine (again, the GP has prescribed me a vat of it today). And so there we are.
DD has been around a couple of times today to make sure I'm doing as I'm told (see above re cunning plan) and Jim is calling in later. That will be quite enough for one day I think.
Its lonely (but in a strange way quite nice at the moment) to have the flat to myself. Just the peace and quiet (traffic noise apart) really. Have spoken to Aged Ps a coupe of times and it sounds as though they're quite glad to be home too.
Need to write to young Pam in Warrington as she has written to me. I think we should strike up a correspondence. So much more civilised... :-)
And that's all I can think of for the moment bunnies. DD taking me out in the car tomorrow to see trees and my boss will be phoning first thing to shout at me some more about still being ill. I'll catch you up with all that tomorrow. J x
DD has been around a couple of times today to make sure I'm doing as I'm told (see above re cunning plan) and Jim is calling in later. That will be quite enough for one day I think.
Its lonely (but in a strange way quite nice at the moment) to have the flat to myself. Just the peace and quiet (traffic noise apart) really. Have spoken to Aged Ps a coupe of times and it sounds as though they're quite glad to be home too.
Need to write to young Pam in Warrington as she has written to me. I think we should strike up a correspondence. So much more civilised... :-)
And that's all I can think of for the moment bunnies. DD taking me out in the car tomorrow to see trees and my boss will be phoning first thing to shout at me some more about still being ill. I'll catch you up with all that tomorrow. J x
Monday, October 15, 2012
Worser & Worser
Last night was a bit of a nightmare. Pain kicked in early - about 2300 and stayed with me until about 0400. Managed a couple of hours sleep after that but then needed to be up to see the Aged Ps off this morning. Have decided to try another day without solid food today to see if there's any improvement. Thank God for Ensure Plus or this really would be awful (assuming its the solid food interfering with my hernia). Have also made a GP appointment for tomorrow afternoon to see about getting referred back to the hernia specialist. My feeling is I'll need to have surgery to fix this and I can't continue to hang around whilst they "sort my cancer out". Will also see GP about additional morphine - hope he doesn't get arsey about it (they can be funny about morphine sometimes: addiction issues and all that).
DD has already looked in on me to check I'm alright despite Aged Ps only having got on their train half an hour ago! And am meeting a mate from work at 1330 for coffee. Have decided to limit myself to one visit/meeting per day as otherwise I tend to get over tired which isn't good on top of the pain issues.
But on the bright side, I'm feeling OK now. No pain at the moment and I haven't had any painkillers since 0330 this morning. No idea how that works. I used to take more than this before the cancer just for my back...
Anyway, that's all for now. Hope you are all well and saw that bloke jumping out of the balloon and falling to earth. Truly staggering TV footage. Took my breath away. Good for him. J x
DD has already looked in on me to check I'm alright despite Aged Ps only having got on their train half an hour ago! And am meeting a mate from work at 1330 for coffee. Have decided to limit myself to one visit/meeting per day as otherwise I tend to get over tired which isn't good on top of the pain issues.
But on the bright side, I'm feeling OK now. No pain at the moment and I haven't had any painkillers since 0330 this morning. No idea how that works. I used to take more than this before the cancer just for my back...
Anyway, that's all for now. Hope you are all well and saw that bloke jumping out of the balloon and falling to earth. Truly staggering TV footage. Took my breath away. Good for him. J x
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Unbelievably, the verdict is: more tests needed
So, first things first. The CT scan still shows a 6cm mass/growth/tumour/abnormality (apparently these terms are all interchangeable). It has an uneven edge which suggests malignancy. It doesn't appear to have got bigger or changed since the last scan. That is what we know.
They now want to sample the mass (yes, I thought they'd already done that too) as hitherto they have only sampled the fluid. All the samples of the fluid have come back negative (this may be a good sign though).
I had the biopsy of the mass done the same afternoon (i.e. yesterday). It was a simple needle in the back using ultrasound to guide the doctor. Results will be available next Friday when I have another appointment to see Dr Bailey.
He would also like me to have a PET scan. The observant among you will recognise this as something my mother had a few months ago when she had to travel to Cardiff as there wasn't a machine in Swansea. There are 2 machines in Manchester (one at MRI and one at The Christie) and another in Preston for those interested. This will hopefully take place before next Friday (he's marked the referral urgent) but it can't be guaranteed. At this point DD (yes, she's back - more on that later) had a go at him about the amount of time this is all taking. He agreed it was less than ideal but the issue was that they fully expected the fluid to show signs of the cancer and so that was the road they went down. It was unusual to find no trace of cancer in the fluid. The PET scan is a whole body scan which will pick up where the cancer has spread throughout my entire body. I would have thought they'd have done this right at the outset but there you go. Perhaps its really expensive or something. If there's a big delay in getting this scan done then I'll consider getting it done privately.
So that's pretty much where we are on the cancer front. I'll obviously let you have more when I have more.
I asked about the scan of my abdomen (because of all the pain I'm in) and he said he'd had a quick look at it and couldn't see anything but he hadn't had the report from the radiologist yet (the scan had only been done that morning don't forget). Apparently my liver looks fine though. DD expressed some scepticism on this point and I see where she's coming from... :-) The report will have been completed by the time I see him next week. In the meantime I just have to put up with the pain and take the painkillers. Not very satisfactory as sometimes all the painkillers combined don't help (e.g. last night). Not sure why its worse at night.
Will see what the report says and then ask for a referral to the hernia guy. Looking on the internet, painful hernias can be dangerous and so I wouldn't want to leave it too much longer. Of course it may be nothing to do with the hernia - perhaps the cancer has spread to my stomach. Personally I think that would be too much of a coincidence and would have expected him to pick up on this on the CT scan. But the PET scan should cover all this. Will also see my GP as I'm going to ned more morphine. Hope he doesn't kick up a fuss about that (addiction issues and all that).
Moving on... DD has returned. Rested and refreshed from her trip to Sri Lanka. And I am now the proud owner of one beautiful little silver buddha statue and also of two less attractive buddha statues (bought as somewhat of a joke). However, not wishing to miss the opportunity for any cosmic help going, I have put all three up for the moment. I suspect only the silver chap has a long term future though (always assuming I have a long term future!).
It was really good to see her after all this time and it means my parents can go home knowing that I'm in safe hands (although to be fair there are so many pairs of safe hands out there helping me, its almost unbelievable!). Its probably time we all had a break from each other anyway.
The Aged Ps took DD and Lesley out for a meal last night and, judging by the state of them when they returned, multiple bottles of wine were consumed. Think it did everyone good though and was probably a good idea that I didn't go as it allowed them to discuss me more freely.
And that's where we are as of today bunnies. I had a dreadful night so will again be looking to take it easy today and hopefully catch up on some sleep. J x
They now want to sample the mass (yes, I thought they'd already done that too) as hitherto they have only sampled the fluid. All the samples of the fluid have come back negative (this may be a good sign though).
I had the biopsy of the mass done the same afternoon (i.e. yesterday). It was a simple needle in the back using ultrasound to guide the doctor. Results will be available next Friday when I have another appointment to see Dr Bailey.
He would also like me to have a PET scan. The observant among you will recognise this as something my mother had a few months ago when she had to travel to Cardiff as there wasn't a machine in Swansea. There are 2 machines in Manchester (one at MRI and one at The Christie) and another in Preston for those interested. This will hopefully take place before next Friday (he's marked the referral urgent) but it can't be guaranteed. At this point DD (yes, she's back - more on that later) had a go at him about the amount of time this is all taking. He agreed it was less than ideal but the issue was that they fully expected the fluid to show signs of the cancer and so that was the road they went down. It was unusual to find no trace of cancer in the fluid. The PET scan is a whole body scan which will pick up where the cancer has spread throughout my entire body. I would have thought they'd have done this right at the outset but there you go. Perhaps its really expensive or something. If there's a big delay in getting this scan done then I'll consider getting it done privately.
So that's pretty much where we are on the cancer front. I'll obviously let you have more when I have more.
I asked about the scan of my abdomen (because of all the pain I'm in) and he said he'd had a quick look at it and couldn't see anything but he hadn't had the report from the radiologist yet (the scan had only been done that morning don't forget). Apparently my liver looks fine though. DD expressed some scepticism on this point and I see where she's coming from... :-) The report will have been completed by the time I see him next week. In the meantime I just have to put up with the pain and take the painkillers. Not very satisfactory as sometimes all the painkillers combined don't help (e.g. last night). Not sure why its worse at night.
Will see what the report says and then ask for a referral to the hernia guy. Looking on the internet, painful hernias can be dangerous and so I wouldn't want to leave it too much longer. Of course it may be nothing to do with the hernia - perhaps the cancer has spread to my stomach. Personally I think that would be too much of a coincidence and would have expected him to pick up on this on the CT scan. But the PET scan should cover all this. Will also see my GP as I'm going to ned more morphine. Hope he doesn't kick up a fuss about that (addiction issues and all that).
Moving on... DD has returned. Rested and refreshed from her trip to Sri Lanka. And I am now the proud owner of one beautiful little silver buddha statue and also of two less attractive buddha statues (bought as somewhat of a joke). However, not wishing to miss the opportunity for any cosmic help going, I have put all three up for the moment. I suspect only the silver chap has a long term future though (always assuming I have a long term future!).
It was really good to see her after all this time and it means my parents can go home knowing that I'm in safe hands (although to be fair there are so many pairs of safe hands out there helping me, its almost unbelievable!). Its probably time we all had a break from each other anyway.
The Aged Ps took DD and Lesley out for a meal last night and, judging by the state of them when they returned, multiple bottles of wine were consumed. Think it did everyone good though and was probably a good idea that I didn't go as it allowed them to discuss me more freely.
And that's where we are as of today bunnies. I had a dreadful night so will again be looking to take it easy today and hopefully catch up on some sleep. J x
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Topsy Turvey
So yesterday afternoon/evening turned out to be quite challenging for me in terms of pain but then last night was very good. Why this happens like this I've no idea. I'm looking for patterns and triggers but there's nothing common to any of the episodes of pain. I just think perhaps its a divine joke (should there be any such thing as the divine - and no this isn't me hedging my bets despite the recent advice from a religious friend that I might want to consider doing just that!).
Went to Wythenshawe hospital this morning to see Caroline the nurse (DD and I saw her for the pre-op assessment you may recall). She certainly recalled as she spotted me in a very crowded waiting room and greeted me by name. Spent about half an hour with her and came away mightily reassured that I'm doing the right thing. She reckons that a 6 week period of very little fluid draining off may be a trigger point for consideration of having the rain removed. We'll see, watch this space. Aged Ps are not going out for the rest of the day and I may well be going for a lie down soon so probably not a good day for visits (sorry M&P). I think once I'm on my own arranging various visits will be a lot easier. Aged Ps will take a decision on how long they're to remain here following tomorrow's results/decisions.
Nothing else to report for the moment. Sorry but its short and sweet today. Am expecting a phonecall from the returning DD once she's "airside" in Sri Lanka and will let you have any news on that front either later or tomorrow. But I'm sure you'll all join me in wishing her a safe journey. Apparently she's having to pay excess baggage charges for all the good luck Buddha statues she's bringing me back. :-) That's all bunnies. J x
Went to Wythenshawe hospital this morning to see Caroline the nurse (DD and I saw her for the pre-op assessment you may recall). She certainly recalled as she spotted me in a very crowded waiting room and greeted me by name. Spent about half an hour with her and came away mightily reassured that I'm doing the right thing. She reckons that a 6 week period of very little fluid draining off may be a trigger point for consideration of having the rain removed. We'll see, watch this space. Aged Ps are not going out for the rest of the day and I may well be going for a lie down soon so probably not a good day for visits (sorry M&P). I think once I'm on my own arranging various visits will be a lot easier. Aged Ps will take a decision on how long they're to remain here following tomorrow's results/decisions.
Nothing else to report for the moment. Sorry but its short and sweet today. Am expecting a phonecall from the returning DD once she's "airside" in Sri Lanka and will let you have any news on that front either later or tomorrow. But I'm sure you'll all join me in wishing her a safe journey. Apparently she's having to pay excess baggage charges for all the good luck Buddha statues she's bringing me back. :-) That's all bunnies. J x
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Not Dead Yet
But then not eaten any soup yet either. That will be tonight's test. But it is made and finished and it looks and smells wonderful. Well done Mum.
Had a truly awful night last night - one of my worst since being discharged from Wythenshawe And I've no idea why. I did stay out a little too long yesterday (an unexpected two Team members turned up) and so ended up being out for two hours rather than the more manageable (for me) one hour. But I'm sure that wouldn't explain it. Mother thinks it may be the oxygen causing it. Can't see that myself as I've had both good and bad nights on the old O2 but may try giving it a miss tonight and see what happens. Hopefully I won't die.
Today is a taking it easy day and since my Amazon box sets have arrived (Game of Thrones and Stargate Universe) plus the Aged Ps are out for hair-dos and lunch that should be fairly easy to accomplish.
Spoke to the ever fragrant Mrs T this morning. She sends her regards to Manchester from bonny Scotland. She is fine and bonny like all Scottish things. Forgot to ask her how she intends to vote in the referendum. I suspect she will want to remain United but you never know with Mrs T. She can be a bit of a maverick at times.
Have an appointment to do a drain at Wythenshawe hospital tomorrow morning at 1030 the results of which will hopefully feed into the MDT meeting discussions on Friday morning as well as the CT scan results. Fingers crossed as ever for good things.
And that's all for now. Feeling fine this morning with little pain so lets hope that continues. May update later. TTFN. J x
Had a truly awful night last night - one of my worst since being discharged from Wythenshawe And I've no idea why. I did stay out a little too long yesterday (an unexpected two Team members turned up) and so ended up being out for two hours rather than the more manageable (for me) one hour. But I'm sure that wouldn't explain it. Mother thinks it may be the oxygen causing it. Can't see that myself as I've had both good and bad nights on the old O2 but may try giving it a miss tonight and see what happens. Hopefully I won't die.
Today is a taking it easy day and since my Amazon box sets have arrived (Game of Thrones and Stargate Universe) plus the Aged Ps are out for hair-dos and lunch that should be fairly easy to accomplish.
Spoke to the ever fragrant Mrs T this morning. She sends her regards to Manchester from bonny Scotland. She is fine and bonny like all Scottish things. Forgot to ask her how she intends to vote in the referendum. I suspect she will want to remain United but you never know with Mrs T. She can be a bit of a maverick at times.
Have an appointment to do a drain at Wythenshawe hospital tomorrow morning at 1030 the results of which will hopefully feed into the MDT meeting discussions on Friday morning as well as the CT scan results. Fingers crossed as ever for good things.
And that's all for now. Feeling fine this morning with little pain so lets hope that continues. May update later. TTFN. J x
Tuesday, October 09, 2012
Soup
Mother and I are making soup today. That is to say, I am reading out the recipe and mother is carrying out my instructions. Its a lesson in good communications and management technique. I'm afraid I've had to threaten her with a "not met" on her performance and indeed she is already on three year pay freeze but I think we will triumph. Please see later for soup updates.
We've started simply with my tried and trusted tomato soup recipe (Maggie, I don't think my finely honed management communication skills are quite up to instructing my mother in how to make one of chef Paul's fabulous looking recipes yet but who knows where this will all lead).
You'll all be pleased to know that I'm having quite a good day so far today (it always does me good when I'm ordering someone around) although last night wasn't brilliant. Hey ho. As long as there are some good times. Am meeting a Team member for a drink tonight so looking forward to that and hearing all about how the mock exam went (and not, of course, any detail on any of the questions as that is verboten as we all know). I miss my Team though. They're a good bunch and they've had to put up with a lot with me (my frequent illnesses being not the least of my many faults) but they've come through. That just shows their fine qualities though.
Of course my boss shouted at me quite a lot for being ill. But I think that's helped. My fear of her dreadful temper and the formidable acts of retribution she carries out have helped me through some really dark times... Of course I'm joking folks and have only put that statement there because she now has the blog address and so will, no doubt, be checking up on what I'm up to whilst on the sick. :-) Expect to see this blog quoted in the transcripts of employment tribunals very soon. In fact it would help if you could finish all your "comments" that refer to us gallivanting around town with a phrase such as "but Jonathan was clearly exhausted by the whole day and looked virtually dead by the end" or something similar jut to cover our backs in the legal sense. Ta.
And that's all for now bunnies. They say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger so after the soup later I'll either be in an even better mood or dead. Let's see how that turns out then... J x
We've started simply with my tried and trusted tomato soup recipe (Maggie, I don't think my finely honed management communication skills are quite up to instructing my mother in how to make one of chef Paul's fabulous looking recipes yet but who knows where this will all lead).
You'll all be pleased to know that I'm having quite a good day so far today (it always does me good when I'm ordering someone around) although last night wasn't brilliant. Hey ho. As long as there are some good times. Am meeting a Team member for a drink tonight so looking forward to that and hearing all about how the mock exam went (and not, of course, any detail on any of the questions as that is verboten as we all know). I miss my Team though. They're a good bunch and they've had to put up with a lot with me (my frequent illnesses being not the least of my many faults) but they've come through. That just shows their fine qualities though.
Of course my boss shouted at me quite a lot for being ill. But I think that's helped. My fear of her dreadful temper and the formidable acts of retribution she carries out have helped me through some really dark times... Of course I'm joking folks and have only put that statement there because she now has the blog address and so will, no doubt, be checking up on what I'm up to whilst on the sick. :-) Expect to see this blog quoted in the transcripts of employment tribunals very soon. In fact it would help if you could finish all your "comments" that refer to us gallivanting around town with a phrase such as "but Jonathan was clearly exhausted by the whole day and looked virtually dead by the end" or something similar jut to cover our backs in the legal sense. Ta.
And that's all for now bunnies. They say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger so after the soup later I'll either be in an even better mood or dead. Let's see how that turns out then... J x
Monday, October 08, 2012
Monday Update
I feel its my duty to report that I've had a good day today and eaten quite a lot - including a (small) portion of the delicious chocolate torte prepared for me by the delectable Ev. And, bunnies, I haven't thrown up. Clearly I was having a bad day on Friday and it was nothing to do with the torte. So there. She is hereby reinstated as the chick with the choc. :-) J x
Infected Kidneys
So it sounds as though mother has a kidney infection. So she's of to the walk-in-centre in Boots today to get some antibiotics. She gets these fairly frequently but its still unpleasant or her so she has all my sympathy.
I'm feeling OK so far this morning. Have heard from the hospital and my CT scan is scheduled to take place on Friday morning at 0830. First on the list (I assume) should mean no delays and waiting around but you never know when there's going to be an emergency. Anyway, at least it will take place before I see Dr Bailey and before their Friday morning get togethers. Have just spoken to the cancer nurse and she says that the guy who writes the reports on the scans (the radiologist) attends their get-togethers so once the scan is on the system he will be able to talk them through it.
Seeing my boss this afternoon so it will be good to catch up on any work news I've missed (although to be fair Lesley keeps me pretty up to date). But it should give me a chance to regularise our contacts going forward (its been pretty hit and miss so far).
And that's about all I know so far today (apart from the fact that the sun is shining in Northumberland - thank you Mrs T). The cricket was exciting (yawn) but a pity Sri Lanka lost. And Downton looks like it might be quite exciting next week with Thomas (said in best Tom & Jerry voice) up to his old tricks. Yay for old tricks. :-) J x
Sunday, October 07, 2012
Okey Smokey Day
So yesterday was OK but then it did involve 2 hits of morphine. One in the morning and one to get me through the night. But that's OK. That's why they gave it to me.
Am mystified as to why all my pain is in my abdomen and in my back rather than in my chest. But then a lot of what's been going on has been mystifying. The CT scan I have this week will cover my chest and my abdomen so that may throw up some answers. I harbour a sneaking suspicion that my hernia is somehow involved but I'm not a doctor... And even if it is the hernia, it wouldn't necessarily explain the fluid around my lungs so wouldn't rule out me having lung cancer at the same time. We all know how lucky I am...
A trip to big Sainsburys is the highlight of the day for me whereas the cricket final (on telly this afternoon) is the highlight for the Aged Ps. Hey ho. I'm glad they're here all the same.
DD is in (constant) touch and sends her love to everyone. She's back on Friday and will be stepping off the plane and straight into my next appointment with Dr Bailey. God help him if she's jet-lagged...
And whilst I remember, I want to give a shout out (is that what one does on a blog?) to the lovely Debbie who I keep threatening to phone and then never do because something else turns up and I think "oh, I'll just wait until I've learned about that before I phone her". Sorry sweetie, rest assured you help me simply because I know you're there at the end of the phone if I need to speak to you. Thank you.
And that's all for now bunnies. Oh, apart from to note that its also Downton night. So there's another highlight for us all :-) J x
Am mystified as to why all my pain is in my abdomen and in my back rather than in my chest. But then a lot of what's been going on has been mystifying. The CT scan I have this week will cover my chest and my abdomen so that may throw up some answers. I harbour a sneaking suspicion that my hernia is somehow involved but I'm not a doctor... And even if it is the hernia, it wouldn't necessarily explain the fluid around my lungs so wouldn't rule out me having lung cancer at the same time. We all know how lucky I am...
A trip to big Sainsburys is the highlight of the day for me whereas the cricket final (on telly this afternoon) is the highlight for the Aged Ps. Hey ho. I'm glad they're here all the same.
DD is in (constant) touch and sends her love to everyone. She's back on Friday and will be stepping off the plane and straight into my next appointment with Dr Bailey. God help him if she's jet-lagged...
And whilst I remember, I want to give a shout out (is that what one does on a blog?) to the lovely Debbie who I keep threatening to phone and then never do because something else turns up and I think "oh, I'll just wait until I've learned about that before I phone her". Sorry sweetie, rest assured you help me simply because I know you're there at the end of the phone if I need to speak to you. Thank you.
And that's all for now bunnies. Oh, apart from to note that its also Downton night. So there's another highlight for us all :-) J x
Saturday, October 06, 2012
Inconclusive
So, as ever with these things, I don't take the easy route.
The results from the biopsy are inconclusive i.e. they haven't been able to identify any cancer cells. Everyone's first thought on hearing this will be "yay, it's not cancer" but hold your horses please. The doctor says that at the multi-disciplinary team meeting the feeling is still that the most likely explanation of what I have got is lung cancer. All the other symptoms point to this as does the CT scan I had which shows a "6cm mass". They just haven't been able to find the actual tumour yet - and no, I'm not really sure why either.
So the next step is to take another CT scan. This will show any changes that have taken place since the last scan which could be instructive. Indeed there should be changes because my right lung has inflated a bit since they removed all the fluid from the pleural area. It hasn't inflated fully - but there's a whole other story attached to this which isn't important right now. The scan will take place next week and I have another appointment to see Dr Bailey next Friday. So can we all keep our fingers crossed please?
And that's all I know at the minute which, I agree, isn't really helpful in the scheme of things. Sorry.
Had a dreadful day yesterday. Threw up all my chocolate torte in the hospital (sorry Ev - now to be known as the chick with the choc and the chuck!). Twice. Luckily I made it to the toilet each time - indeed the second time was in the middle of seeing Dr Bailey. Then I had a dreadful night last night but my mother forced morphine down my throat this morning (despite all my bravado on the subject I do try not to take it if I can help it) and I've now slept and feel much better for it.
So that's where we are. I intend taking the rest of the weekend quietly and hopefully will be feeling much better come Monday and can resume visits etc. Thank you all for your continued support. It really does help.. And that is all folks. J x
The results from the biopsy are inconclusive i.e. they haven't been able to identify any cancer cells. Everyone's first thought on hearing this will be "yay, it's not cancer" but hold your horses please. The doctor says that at the multi-disciplinary team meeting the feeling is still that the most likely explanation of what I have got is lung cancer. All the other symptoms point to this as does the CT scan I had which shows a "6cm mass". They just haven't been able to find the actual tumour yet - and no, I'm not really sure why either.
So the next step is to take another CT scan. This will show any changes that have taken place since the last scan which could be instructive. Indeed there should be changes because my right lung has inflated a bit since they removed all the fluid from the pleural area. It hasn't inflated fully - but there's a whole other story attached to this which isn't important right now. The scan will take place next week and I have another appointment to see Dr Bailey next Friday. So can we all keep our fingers crossed please?
And that's all I know at the minute which, I agree, isn't really helpful in the scheme of things. Sorry.
Had a dreadful day yesterday. Threw up all my chocolate torte in the hospital (sorry Ev - now to be known as the chick with the choc and the chuck!). Twice. Luckily I made it to the toilet each time - indeed the second time was in the middle of seeing Dr Bailey. Then I had a dreadful night last night but my mother forced morphine down my throat this morning (despite all my bravado on the subject I do try not to take it if I can help it) and I've now slept and feel much better for it.
So that's where we are. I intend taking the rest of the weekend quietly and hopefully will be feeling much better come Monday and can resume visits etc. Thank you all for your continued support. It really does help.. And that is all folks. J x
Friday, October 05, 2012
The Lovely Ev
The chick with the choc. Thank you Ev for another lovely torte. I've had a slice already. Yum. Will post later re results.
Also thanks to the lovely Dani for the lovely book. I shall tackle that once I've finished reading Pat's cast offs... :-) J x
Also thanks to the lovely Dani for the lovely book. I shall tackle that once I've finished reading Pat's cast offs... :-) J x
Thursday, October 04, 2012
On The Train...
... and on their way. The Aged Ps that is, are on their great Northerly migration. They're staying until at least Denise gets back from Sri Lanka (a week tomorrow for anyone who doesn't already have the 12th starred as a red letter day on their calendar).
Have had a good day today (even though in a little bit of pain right at this moment). Met Sara for coffee and exchanged news and heard all about her trip to Pembroke which sounded lovely. I used to have a friend who had a holiday cottage in Pembroke and I used to go down and stay with her occasionally. Its a lovely part of Wales and also very "English" (its known as "little England" - presumably because a lot of English people retire/holiday there).
Thence it was to Cafe Istanbul to meet with various representatives of the Leadership Team for the NW&NW Region of HMRC. Lovely to see them all and talk about work again. God I've missed that - in fact if it wasn't for Lesley I'm fairly sure I would have gone round the bend in the absence of news from work. As anyone who knows me will know, I quite like my job. :-)
Have also spoken to Denise and received my instructions about how the meeting with my consultant tomorrow is to be conducted. As ever she makes lots of very good points which will feed into my list of questions.
And that's about all for now. Will blog again tomorrow after the constant's appointment to let you all know what has been said. J x
Have had a good day today (even though in a little bit of pain right at this moment). Met Sara for coffee and exchanged news and heard all about her trip to Pembroke which sounded lovely. I used to have a friend who had a holiday cottage in Pembroke and I used to go down and stay with her occasionally. Its a lovely part of Wales and also very "English" (its known as "little England" - presumably because a lot of English people retire/holiday there).
Thence it was to Cafe Istanbul to meet with various representatives of the Leadership Team for the NW&NW Region of HMRC. Lovely to see them all and talk about work again. God I've missed that - in fact if it wasn't for Lesley I'm fairly sure I would have gone round the bend in the absence of news from work. As anyone who knows me will know, I quite like my job. :-)
Have also spoken to Denise and received my instructions about how the meeting with my consultant tomorrow is to be conducted. As ever she makes lots of very good points which will feed into my list of questions.
And that's about all for now. Will blog again tomorrow after the constant's appointment to let you all know what has been said. J x
Wednesday, October 03, 2012
A New Day
So feeling quite a bit better today. But have cancelled one visit just in case. Lesley, of course, will be round later to check on me and bring me some of DD's famous home-made soups. May well try experimenting with some soup recipes when mother and father are here and can assist.
Have just had a chocolate mousse which, nutritionally speaking, probably hasn't helped much but will have a lot of calories in it. I am taking a daily vitamin drink to make sure I get the ones I need.
Am not sure that vodka withdrawal feels quite like this but never having been through vodka withdrawal before I can't be sure. I understand from Denise that it is World Temperance Day today and that Sri Lanka is observing this with a day-long ban on alcohol. I would like us all to take a few moments to thing about Denise and what she must be going through. Please support her in her hour of need by raising a glass in her name because she can't... :-)
A well wisher has sent me a DVD of Golden Girls series. Not seen these for years so it will be interesting to see how they stand the test of time. Thank you Cath, a lovely idea.
Ma & Pa arrive tomorrow so I need to do a bit of cleaning. They'll just have to put up with some of the dust though or else just muck in with a bit of dusting themselves (to be fair, they always have). But I'm sure I can manage a bit of hoovering.
Have a lunch date tomorrow with a bunch of colleagues which will hopefully go ahead and go well. I'll update you tomorrow. And that's all for now. J x
Have just had a chocolate mousse which, nutritionally speaking, probably hasn't helped much but will have a lot of calories in it. I am taking a daily vitamin drink to make sure I get the ones I need.
Am not sure that vodka withdrawal feels quite like this but never having been through vodka withdrawal before I can't be sure. I understand from Denise that it is World Temperance Day today and that Sri Lanka is observing this with a day-long ban on alcohol. I would like us all to take a few moments to thing about Denise and what she must be going through. Please support her in her hour of need by raising a glass in her name because she can't... :-)
A well wisher has sent me a DVD of Golden Girls series. Not seen these for years so it will be interesting to see how they stand the test of time. Thank you Cath, a lovely idea.
Ma & Pa arrive tomorrow so I need to do a bit of cleaning. They'll just have to put up with some of the dust though or else just muck in with a bit of dusting themselves (to be fair, they always have). But I'm sure I can manage a bit of hoovering.
Have a lunch date tomorrow with a bunch of colleagues which will hopefully go ahead and go well. I'll update you tomorrow. And that's all for now. J x
Tuesday, October 02, 2012
A Bit Better Today
Had a really awful day yesterday in the end. Spent most of it feeling quite ill and really had to force myself to eat something but even then didn't eat much. I probably need to do something about this so I will ask the cancer nurse to give me a ring again and talk through what my options are.
Today is a little better although the feeling ill stuff comes and goes. At least today its not constant. Have a hairdressers appointment at 1600 which I will try and make as it will get me out of the flat and give me some fresh air. Hopefully the exercise will do me some good. And God knows my hair needs a cut. I can virtually sit on it. :-)
Thank you everyone for your continued good wishes. They make all the difference in the world. And its really odd who has taken the trouble to get in touch. People who I didn't think knew me particularly well have got in touch with some lovely words and thoughts. So thank you all.
Although I have made plans for meeting people for coffee later in the week (plans made last week when I was feeling quite well) please don't be annoyed if I cancel last minute as it really is an hour by hour thing with me at the moment. Hopefully this won't continue much longer and the doctors/nurses will be able to recommend even more drugs for me to take.
And that's all for now. J x
Today is a little better although the feeling ill stuff comes and goes. At least today its not constant. Have a hairdressers appointment at 1600 which I will try and make as it will get me out of the flat and give me some fresh air. Hopefully the exercise will do me some good. And God knows my hair needs a cut. I can virtually sit on it. :-)
Thank you everyone for your continued good wishes. They make all the difference in the world. And its really odd who has taken the trouble to get in touch. People who I didn't think knew me particularly well have got in touch with some lovely words and thoughts. So thank you all.
Although I have made plans for meeting people for coffee later in the week (plans made last week when I was feeling quite well) please don't be annoyed if I cancel last minute as it really is an hour by hour thing with me at the moment. Hopefully this won't continue much longer and the doctors/nurses will be able to recommend even more drugs for me to take.
And that's all for now. J x
Monday, October 01, 2012
News & No News
The news is that I've spoken to the cancer nurse this morning and I now have an appointment to see Dr Bailey (my original consultant) on Friday afternoon. But they still haven't had the biopsy results from the labs at Wythenshawe. Not sure what all this is about but little I can do until someone is willing to tell me something. Hopefully that will now happen on Friday.
She also confirmed that the phrase in my Disability Living Allowance award that I get the higher award "because you are virtually unable to walk" is just the standard phraseology and that the claim was properly made. But if it is just standard wording then that seems wrong too. Why would they have that as standard wording? My Team member who used to work for the DWP confirmed that that was the case too. Bizarre.
Aged Ps have decided to come back up on Thursday so that they're here when I get the results.
Not feeling grand at the moment but I had a good night and I've had some breakfast but no lunch yet. Will try and have an Ensure once I feel a little better. On the suggestions front, thank you for those (whether on here - Paul & Maggie - or by text - Ev). Looking forward to lots of tasty treats now. :-) That's all bunnies. J x
She also confirmed that the phrase in my Disability Living Allowance award that I get the higher award "because you are virtually unable to walk" is just the standard phraseology and that the claim was properly made. But if it is just standard wording then that seems wrong too. Why would they have that as standard wording? My Team member who used to work for the DWP confirmed that that was the case too. Bizarre.
Aged Ps have decided to come back up on Thursday so that they're here when I get the results.
Not feeling grand at the moment but I had a good night and I've had some breakfast but no lunch yet. Will try and have an Ensure once I feel a little better. On the suggestions front, thank you for those (whether on here - Paul & Maggie - or by text - Ev). Looking forward to lots of tasty treats now. :-) That's all bunnies. J x
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