Good News

I'll just put the good news up front - I'm still on the drug trial. Despite everything that has gone on (see below) I have not been disqualified and my "place" remains safe.  This is a huge relief to me - and I'm sure to others too - but of course we mustn't lose sight of the fact that I still haven't been randomised yet so we still don't know whether I'm on chemo or the trial drug.  But it's one more hurdle overcome and so it's good news. Phew.

I'll be randomised, as far as I know at the moment, on 03/03/14 and start whichever treatment I've been allocated on 05/03/14. 

But let's step back in time a bit.....

First of all sorry for the "radio silence" there has been here the past few days. Unfortunately there are times when I really need to look after myself and narrow my focus down to me and the next steps I need to take to progress and sometimes that doesn't allow room for me to be open and share with you all exactly what is going on.  Sorry but it's the only way I can cope sometimes. 

So anyway, hospital. You all know how I feel about hospitals.  About nurses. About the whole lack of an actual focus on the patient. But my views did change a little in The Christie. I saw nurses working together as a team to deliver an integrated system of care and, particularly, pain relief to patients and I was glad of it.  So I will admit that not all nurses are bad.  To be fair I've never actually said that - the lovely Debbie for instance we all know is like a beacon of hope for me.

But my time in hospital was not all pleasant.  I hate the lack of being in control. I hate the little annoying things that happen day in day out.  I hate that people say they will do things and then don't. 

And whilst it was great to see Dad, the timing for his visit could have been better. I was just out of hospital and it was his first visit to Manchester without Mum.  We both needed support with what we had to deal with but neither of us was able to give as much as we wanted to the other (at least that's how I felt). We're also both going through the readjustment to our lives and our relationship without Mum there. Because Mum was a huge part of our life.  She really was the core and centre of our family and I for one perhaps didn't appreciate that enough while she was alive. It's going to take time obviously and I suppose we did take some small steps whilst he was up so things may look better in the long run.  Well see. But as I say above, when I'm faced with things like hospital, my focus really narrows down to me and me alone.  Now I'm out though I can feel myself starting to open up (and hence my ability to start writing the blog again). Hopefully I'll regroup for the rest of this week while I finish off the radiotherapy (last treatment is next Monday) and then relaunch myself on the world next week (I've booked my hair cut for next Tuesday just to make sure I'm fully prepared!). Watch this space fuckers.....

That's all. J x