Well At Least The Football's Over

I can't believe we missed 3 out of 4 penalties. Still I don't suppose you can blame the team. Its not like they're professionals or anything....

Daleks and cybermen. Who saw that coming eh? Still nice to see that Mickey has obviously been attending a gym in the other dimension and has access to good skin care. Not that any of that would make him gay or anything....

Thanks to my sponsors, the Wellcome Foundation and various other drugs conglomerates, I've had a not too bad day again today. Can't remember when I last had a bowel movement though. But that's the morphine. Have now lost 4 stone since the start of this all. Am fairly sure that I will lose another stone as soon as I have my next bowel movement...

Nothing else to report although I believe the tennis might be quite exciting at the moment too. J x

Another Not Bad Day...

....in the scheme of things. Throat still incredibly sore and mouth full of mucus but it could be worse. Morphine and metochlopromide and paracetomol and movicol and brufen all help.

Good news for my Team Leader today. He's got early retirement which he's pleased about. I, for one, will miss him though as he's the best boss I think I've had in the Revenue. Sad news for Soozie as she didn't get early retirement but that's because she's just too damn young and vibrant and with so much still to offer. Am secretly (although not so secretly now) pleased that Soozie is staying on since her plan, once she retires, is to move even further North (is that possible I hear the Southerners among you gasp) and then we'd lose touch and end up hating each other. Or something like that anyway. I'm just glad she and Kev are still going to be around for a while as I've come to rely on them a lot (I know, selfish reasons). Cancer makes you thin and selfish!

Football and tennis are endless. Aged P's off to Choice tonight for a meal so I'm all alone. Boo hoo. Don't phone though as I can't speak. J x

Relatively Speaking...

... today has been OK. Only 7 more sessions to go. Saw the consultant this afternoon and he's happy with my progress under the treatment (not that they can tell anything yet but the side effects are only the ones they were expecting). My ears are bleeding but apparently that's not unusual either. My sore throat makes it really difficult for me to talk so if you telephone its likely to be a short conversation. I'm also not up to having visitors at the moment. Getting to watch lots of Wimbledon now (thanks Mum) as well as lots of football (thanks Dad) but hey, look on the bright side, no-one's mentioned snooker for ages. Just taken half a dozen drugs so it must be time for bed (except that I sleep a lot of the day too anyway) so I'll say goodnight all and talk tomorrow. J x

Morphine Helps

But rather bizarrely it helps with the sickness as much as with the pain. Trouble is it makes you feel exhausted and also constipates you. So I now need to take laxatives as well on top of everything else. I'm keeping a running list of all the drugs I take and when so that I don't overdose. I'll let you know tomorrow how many I'm on. Off to bed (again) now. J x

Feel Dreadful

Not a lot to add to that. Sorry. J x

And Then It All Went Horribly Wrong

Enjoyed the Bridgewater but paid for it today. Been sick twice and throat is raw. Virtually unable to speak due to pain and even trying to swallow morphine hurts! Also very tired now and have slept/dozed a lot of today. We'll see how the night goes. Hopefully I may feel a little better tomorrow.

On the bright side, I am now two thirds of the way through my treatment and I won't be having any more chemotherapy. My radiotherapy regime changes from tomorrow as well since they'll be using "electrons" rather than radiation (apparently we can't irradiate my spine any more). This means longer in that bloody mask. Oh joy. 10 sessions to go though. Just 10.... J x

Dr Who

Pants. That's all I'm going to say on the subject. Apart from, whose bloody idea was it to bring the cybermen back? They were crap at the start of the series. But if they're back then perhaps (gay?) Mickey is back too? We'll see. J x

DD's Back

And looking hale and hearty too. She regaled us with lots of stories of Italy, how awful the wine was and showed us lots of photos of sky. She isn't coming to Bridgewater tomorrow on account of having to watch the football and get drunk on lots of (English?) wine. Mr & Mrs T will be there though. Its Mozart's Clarinet Concerto and Beethoven's Eroica symphony. I've no idea what what either of them sound like but I'm sure I'll recognise them from the adverts once they get going. I'll let you know (of course) how it all went tomorrow. Night. J x

Once More A Porker

Put on 3lbs yesterday. How did that happen? I've only upped my nutritional supplements by one delicious yummy vanilla flavoured vitiman and mineral packed carton a day. I think they're made by the same people who make Slimfast and its their way of ensuring that people who lose weight in hospital go straight back on a diet as soon as they're well. At least that's my theory. Allegedly (in case any Slimfast lawyers are reading this).

Wanted to be sick this morning. Tried to be sick this morning. Couldn't do it. Presumably the anti-sickness medicine is working therefore. It did mean though that I missed out on that post-sickness feeling of wellbeing one gets. Difficult to please? Moi? Anyway, anti-sickness medicine goes down today from 5 to 3 doses so the nausea may yet arrive.

No plans for today although thinking of the Bridgewater Hall tomorrow evening (vomit permitting). May post later if anything thrilling happens. Like Dr Who. I thought last week's was the best of the whole series so far. J x

Chemo Side Effects Kick In

Only this time its random hiccupping rather than random vomitting. On the whole I prefer the hiccups! No more radiotherapy for 2 days. Hurrah. And after Monday I will be two thirds through the treatment. Double hurrah. Throat getting really rather sore now. Boo. Saliva situation unchanged. Hurrah. Mucus situation worse. Boo. Ups and downs at the moment friends. Just like life eh? And at least it is life at the moment for me. Treble hurrahs and hurrahs all round. Night night. J x

Honestly, The Fuss You Lot Make

Chemo was a breeze. Wasn't sick (nor did I feel sick) once. In fact, feeling better today than I have for the last couple of days. Assuming things carry on like this I am now open for visits.

Had a visit from Caroline and YS and Frances this morning. It was great to see them all and they really cheered me up. The visits were as much social as medical since there was nothing really wrong with me. Do you think they all think I'm a drama queen? How little they know me....

But despite all the euphoria over my physical condition I am in excruciating pain mentally since I am wracked with guilt on account of having forgotten Mrs T's birthday. How could such a thing have happened? Obviously I hadn't forgotten that she had a birthday since, despite appearances to the contrary, she is mortal. I also hadn't forgotten that it was imminent since she had gone to the trouble of printing out my works diary and highlighting the date on it for me. Its just that I'd forgotten it was yesterday. Goddess that she is, she has forgiven me though (to err is human - me, to forgive divine - her: and I'm not talking about the 30 stone drag queen either who is now dead anyway leaving a gap in the market that could have been filled by me had I not lost all this weight - 3 and a half stone).

See you all soon J x

P.S. I had asked Mrs T to print the diary thing. She didn't do it off her own bat so that I would buy her something. Honest. No, really. Oh please yourselves, you lot would think the worst of anyone...

Last Post

See you on the other side. J xxxxx

Rough as...

...anything. Having spent the past week with people telling me how well I look I now feel like crap. Unfortunately, my near perfect genes mean that I still look gorgeous. Isn't life unfair?

Threw up last night and again this morning and now have (even) more drugs from Christies. Honestly my kitchen wouldn't look out of place in Columbia. Christies also told me I'm too thin. Actually, they didn't tell me that. No-one has ever told me that. They did say however that they would prefer me to stop losing weight otherwise my mask won't fit properly and they'll end up treating the wrong bits. Now having to "eat" more. Never thought anyone would tell me that either (apart from my Mum and that incident involved a piece of beef but I don't think we need to dwell on that episode).

Have had to cancel all visitors for the forseeable. Sorry. Will let you now when next I'm "at home". Mr Lewis regrets that he's unable to lunch today, Madam.

Congrats to Mr H, by the way.on his honour. Does this make Margaret a Dame? TTFN. J x

Half Way

Which should be a cause for celebration only I don't much feel like celebrating. Feeling a bit rough and tired today and not looking forward to Wednesday.

My angel called tonight and brought me an angel which was a lovely gift, particularly since its a "Good Health" angel. Together with my Spanish sheep I'm now half way to a nativity scene. Just need a Mary and, of course, the baby Jesus. Three wise queens wouldn't go amiss either. Or a stable. And a star. And some shepherds. But apart from all those I'm half way to a nativity scene and half way through my treatment. Coincidence? I don't think so.... J x

Just Watched...

...the fireworks at the end of the Take That concert in the City of Manchester stadium. They were spectacular (as I'm sure the concert was too).

Lemon slices were a disaster. there seemed to be a misunderstanding between me and the cookbook as to what constituted "light and fluffy". Suffice to say, whatever the phrase means it was not embodied in my lemon slices. Never mind, if at first you don't succeed... buy them from the shop!

Have to stop the ibuprofen tonight in readiness for my chemotherapy on Wednesday. I therefore have 6 days of pain and throwing up to look forward to. Not nice. Like my lemon slices. Am fairly sure that the next few days worth of posts will make for depressing reading. You may therefore want to take a short break from the blog and catch up with me again on, say, next Saturday when I should be my cheery self again. J x

Garden Centres Galore

Went to Willowpool and that other one this morning. Bought 4 plants. Nowt else to report. J x

Another Good Day

Bought a tree this morning (just a small one, prunus cestina since you ask). Had radiotherapy this afternoon followed by the reaction clinic. Dr Slevin (consultant) happy with the progress of the treatment from the point of view of my reaction to it. My reaction is "1" on the scale of 1 to 4 i.e. quite a mild reaction at the moment. He's also not worried about the copious amounts of mucus I am producing which he sees as quite normal. God its disgusting though. I hope and pray it won't continue like this after the treatment otherwise expect to see me hawking up gobs of spit in a street near you in the not too distant future... (sorry but I promised you a warts and all account).

Apart from that everything else is World Cup so no comment. Except to say that I shall be baking lemon slices tomorrow for my visitors. Never baked anything before. Poor visitors! J x

On Visitors

I'm currently taking each day as it comes. I had a particularly good day today - so much so that everyone from work said I was looking remarkably well. Well I felt remarkably well too (and quite guilty therefore that I'm not back in work) but this was no guide to how I felt this afternoon (knackered, I slept for 3 hours) and there's no telling how I'll feel tomorrow so its a bit difficult for me to say "yes" to everyone who wants to visit. I'm quite happy to arrange visits but if you're travelling from afar (Leeds, London, Newcastle etc) then you may be disappointed when you turn up and I'm exhausted after half an hour. I'm only saying this so I don't end up offending anyone. Having said all this if you want to visit then I'd love to see you so give me a ring and we'll see what we can sort out. J x

P.S. I have my next chemotherapy session on the 21st and I'm likely to spend the week after that throwing up so those dates probably aren't good for visiting.

All Alone

Early radiotherapy session this morning has allowed Aged Ps to hop on a train and go and see Liverpool Cathedral leaving me to fend for myself. Might attempt a walk into Starbucks to see the gang. Hopefully back lunch-time ish for Denise visit. Would also be great to receive visitors from yonder shores (Newcastle) if they manage to make it over the Pennines. J x

33.333333333%

That's how much of the radiotherapy I've completed. This morning's session was 10 of 30. As far as the chemotherapy goes I'm half way there with 1 of 2 sessions completed. The second session is on the 21st. That will be the longest day in oh so many ways....

Feeling OK. Throat is sore so not swallowing any more but its not necessary anyway because of the tube. Luckily there is no "plegma in de toob" (old Cabaret joke there).

May go and see She Stoops to Conquer tomorrow evening depending on how I'm feeling after tomorrow's session with the radiographers.

Sue & Kev and Denise all called round yesterday and it was great to see them. I'm afraid that if anyone else wants to see me its going to have to be a visit by you rather than the other way round as I think my field trips into town are likely to get less as time goes on. But you're always assured of a warm welcome and a cold glass of wine! J x

Look At The Time

Flowers arived safe, sound and beautiful. Thank you Janet and happy anniversery.

Fig, you mean to say there are drag queens in your past of whom I know nothing? We shall have to have a talk....

Feeling fine, if a little hot, today. Not been sick and I've put on a pound in weight (having now lost 3 stone).

Not watching the football. J x

Bless

Big love goes out to Fig's Mum who sent me some flowers but addressed them to herself rather than me causing the concierge to return them as "unknown at this address". Rest assured M & S are re-delivering them to me tomorrow. Its a lovely thought though Janet, thank you. J x

If Its Not One End Its The Other

I don't think that title needs any further explanation!

Had a good (if tiring) day yesterday. Saw young Sean who is still happy with my progress although I'll probably need more X-Rays for my teeth (now got dental pain too!). Had the radiotherapy and then saw the registrar at the Reaction Clinic. She wasn't too worried about the sickness thing but, rather disturbingly, talked a lot about liquid morphine. So that's more pain to come then is it?

Saw Soozie and Gill in the eve and we sat out on the terrace whilst they enjoyed their glasses of wine and brought me up to date on the office gossip which was very pleasant.

2 more sessions of radiotherapy to go and I'll be a third of a way through the treatment. I think I'll focus on that today and sod the liquid morphine. J x

Its 3 In The Morning...

...and I've just got up to take some painkillers and the blog seems to be working so I'm grabbing the opportunity.

No progress to report since still in pain (back) and still being sick. Have a radiotherapy session this afternoon and also will be attending the "Reaction Clinic" to see how I'm getting on with the chemotherapy. I think "badly" is the answer but I'll let you know what they say officially later. Also seeing young Sean and Caroline at some point today, which is always nice.

Spirits are still up though which is good I think. J x

Hurrah

Is it on? Just a quickie to let you all know I'm still alive but, once again, experiencing problems of the blog kind. Still being intermittently sick (the latest bout caused by champagne - how ironic is that?). My white blood cell count is also about to plummet (a result of the chemotherapy) so if I tell you that you can't come round please don't take offence I'm just trying to keep myself alive (oh, and of course, remaining a drama queen!). Love to you all out there in blog land though. J x

Sunday Ho Hum

Not done anything (in any sense!). Will obviously have to take more laxitives tonight.

Mouth is virtually dry and uncomfortable. Apparently one's mouth produces 2 types of saliva. One of a watery consistency from saliva glands in the upper part of the mouth and one of a thicker consistency in the lower part of the mouth. Unfortunately the radiotherapy knocks out the watery ones leaving one with a mouth that feels dry but gradually fills with a thick viscous liquid. I know, yuck. The only way to deal with this is to brush one's teeth regularly and drink lots of water. Of course, having to brush my teeth regularly nicely coincides with me developing dental pain! Oh the joys of cancer, I could go on and on.... J x

And Here I Am

Spent a really unpleasant 48 hours in hospital. Suffered really intense pain the first afternoon that even morphine didn't seem to be able to touch but thankfully it faded towards evening. Didn't sleep at all that evening and then spent all yesterday throwing up into papier mache bowls (6 times!). Again, really unpleasant and they decided to keep me in last night. Thankfully slept the whole night (under the excellent care of Olivia, thank you Olivia) and felt much better this morning. They've now let me home. Hurrah. Only got to do it one more time now. Apparently these sessions increase my chances of survival by 7 - 8% so I suppose they're worth it.

No other news for now although Mrs T is coming round tonight so no doubt I'll get all the office gossip. Can't wait... J x

A Quickie

Off for chemotherapy today. Not back until tomorrow morning. No idea how I'm going to feel (apart from the back pain of course) so I'll update when I can. I would however just like to welcome Soozie and Nanny back to British waters. I know we've all missed their postings whilst they've been off cruising the Med. J x

God I'm a Shit

Am really nervous about the treatment (first session today, more about that later) and in quite a bit of pain on account of inadequate painkillers (more about that later too) and so I take all this out on my parents by being a really surly difficult sod who snaps at everything that's said. Bless them, they take it all in good part but they don't deserve it after everything they've done for me. So I'm apologising in public for being a complete shit to live with today (will alos apologise privately once they're back from their meal).

Treatment was OK today. There's no pain with the actual treatment (apart from the pain of the mask biting into one's forehead) but the pain starts sometime during week 2 apparently. Sore throat. Painfully dry mouth. And burnt skin. Oh joy. On top of all this I'm not supposed to shave so I'll also look awful. But for anyone interested I now have photos taken by my parents of me in the immediate aftermath of the operations. You will need a strong stomach!

On the subject of painkillers they won't let me take ibuprofen for 3 days either side of the chemotherapy and they won't prescribe morphine. So hard luck me I just have to endure. I suppose in the scheme of things two 6 day periods of bad back pain is not the end of the world but I'd rather not have to go through if its all the same to everyone.

Karen came round tonight and caught me up with all the Sussex gossip. I just wish you lot knew the people involved so I could pass it all on..... J x

The Aged P's Est Arrivee

Yeah, I know that's not yer actual French but you get the point. The Aged P's have arrived safe and sound. They arrived to the (not so) gentle drumming of rain on Manchester rooftops. Plus ca change...

Pain has been not too bad today which I think is down, in part, to being fairly active i.e. I walked into town and home again with no break this morning. Then followed a round of (gentle) cleaning and some washing plus a trip to Sainsbury's.

I'm wondering whether I should start these blog entries a la Bridget Jones (that bloody French gets everywhere although I haven't worked out how to do accents and cidillas obviously). I now have a thermometer so I could let you have daily updates on my temperature, my weight (lost 2 stone but nothing shifted since) and how many painkillers I'd consumed. Let me know what you think together with amusing suggestions for other possible daily updates... J x

Not Happy

Codeine, it seems, doesn't help with lower back pain so I'm stuck with the pain until after the chemotherapy (Wednesday). Its also the weekend (and a bank holiday) so unable to contact anyone for any alternative suggestions. Unsurprisingly I'm not in the best of moods (even though Gill kindly took me to 2 garden centres today which was fun). J x

The Geeks Shall Inherit The Earth

Perhaps those IT bods have known all along what they were talking about. I turned my computer off and then turned it back on again and everything came back. Hurrah!

A quick update then for those of you worried about me. I spoke to Caroline last night and she said that surgery might not be necessary. The main concern was that there was a hole somewhere out of which the screw had fallen. If this was the case then it was a route for infection to get in. The fact that when Sean examined me he couldn't find a hole meant that the original place where the screw came out must have healed (I'm wondering now whether or not the screw was somehow attached to a stitch inside my mouth because those have been coming out when I brush my teeth over the last week or so). The reason for putting me on antibiotics is that there must have been a hole (since the screw did come out) and therefore an infection may already have got in.

If the screw hadn't come out and I'm not having any problems with my jaw (which I'm not so far) then no-one would have known anything about it and no surgery would have been done. If I continue not to have any problems then surgery might not be necessary. Anyway Sean and Dr Slevin (the cancer chappie) are consulting with another consultant (surgical specialist?, no idea) and so we'll have to wait and see.

Off to the cinema this afternoon so will post again later. j x

Hello?

Is anyone else just getting a big pink screen when they look at the blog? if you are presumably you can't see this posting either.... ! j x

Not Nice

Spent an uncomfortable 45 minutes having the final adjustments made to my mould ready for the start of radiotherapy on Tuesday. I hate that thing.

More worryingly had an X-Ray of my jaw (on account of the loose screw incident) which shows that my jaw is not knitting together as ther doctors had hoped following my surgery. This may entail more surgery in the future. Of course this is quite dangerous following radiotherapy but they can't afford to wait to start the radiotherapy. Anyway, they've given me a course of antibiotics to clear up any infection (if that's what is preventing the jaw joining up) and we'll see what the position is after that has run its course.

All in all a depressing day. J x

Can't Wait For BB Tonight

Apparently Shabaz threatens to top himself and then walks out. Personally I would have thought that there was a queue of people lining up (both within and without the house) to help him do it. What an idiot.

And is it me or is Lost better this series than last? There seems to be a lot more happening and a lot more cliff hangers than series one. Was sorely tempted last night to turn straight over to E4 to watch the next episode but realised that I'd just have to stay up later every week from now on in.

Spent some time at the help line this morning helping out with some admin tasks and then went to B & Q this afternoon for some light bulbs and then did some gardening this afternoon. Phew. Christies tomorrow morning for a rest.... J x

Q: What Costs £1.23?

A: A postcard from Marbella with no stamps on! You know who you are. Did you think the Force would get it here all on its own?

P.S. Happy Birthday to the Figster.

J x

A Screw Loose?

Or a loose screw? Was brushing my teeth last night when a small metal screw fell out of my mouth. Spoke to Caroline today and she spoke to Mr Homer (one of the ENT consultants) and he said not to worry although they'll get an X-ray of my jaw when I'm at Christies on Thursday. In the meantime I have to try and make sure that my face doesn't fall off. That's alright then. Off to watch Big Brother & Lost so catch y'all tomorrow. J x

Eating

Not possible I'm afraid so please don't be popping any fruit cake in the post... I'm still having to feed myself via the tube in my tummy (have we all been paying attention?).

Had a phonecall from Christies this afternoon (luckily before my nap) and the start of my radiotherapy has been postponed until tomorrow week i.e. the 30th. This is because they can't fit me in until Thursdday for the final mould adjustments and then there's paperwork that needs to be done after this. And its bank holiday (hooray for all you people still in work, nice excuse for a trip to the garden centre). I'll also be having my chemo on that day too. Aged Ps are now travelling up on the bank holiday Monday.

Big Brother. Are we watching it? Its car crash TV. You hate yourself for doing it but you can't tear yourself away from the awful fascination. Shabaz. What can one say that the rest of the housemates haven't already said? I can't wait to see tomorrow'a instalment (thank god it doesn't clash with Lost). Memo to self, I don't think its too sad discussing evening TV on here but if I ever stray into daytime TV pleasse shoot me. Finally on the subject of TV, Channel 5 has a Star Trek evening on Wednesday. Live long and prosper. J x

Shopping Costs...

... and right here is where I start paying!

Made it into town and then all the way back home again without the aid of any mechanically propelled vehicles. Due to weather though had to wear big overcoat so by the time I got home was hot, sweaty, exhausted and in pain.

Incidentally, talking of lower back pain, there's an article in today's Times that says that taking ibuprofen long term gives one a 30% higher risk of heart disease. That's better odds of course then the 50/50 cancer prognosis. So what to do? Possibly live longer and in pain or keep taking the medicine? No idea of the correct answer to that one. Will have to explore the possibility of other painkillers. I do know that paracetomol isn't sufficient on its own. I have to give up ibuprofen for a bit though whilst having the chemotherapy so they've prescribed me codeine instead. Unfortunately that constipates you. So if if the cancer and the heart failure don't get me I may just explode!

Although the trip into town (3 shirts purchased) sounds heroic I did have a rest stop at Starbucks (had the coffee without a straw this time). Which meant I was able to see the lovely Jane (all summery and floaty and cute) and the lovely Phil (not particularly summery or floaty but cute of course!). By the way Liz, better safe than sorry is all I have to say on the subject. Get thee to a specialist pronto.

Was planning a trip to Sainsbury's this afternoon for more flavoured milk but may have to have a nap instead. This means cleaning out the cupboard may get pushed back a bit (sorry Mum).

So, think I've made up for not posting anything yesterday, but may post again later anyway. Love you all. J x

Eurovision

What can I say? Superb. Destined to go down in the annals as one of the best competitions for years... J x

Who's On The Phone

Am intrigued to know who is reading this blog and then telephoning Karen to find out details of office closures... Is it ship to shore perchance?

Went to Ordsall Hall today with Jim. What a pile of pants that place is. Really, just pants and full of kids If people need details let me know. But then we went to the Lowry Outlet for a coffee and a browse which was very nice. Didn't buy anything (except coffee) though. I think they only sell second hand (or shop lifted)stuff which is why it is all so cheap. And no-one would accept my Harvey Nicks account card...

Not much else happened today. Did some washing. Threw away some dead flowers (yes I did my tongue exercises mum - she's been out for a chinese tonight and so wasn't at home to nag me when I phoned). Didn't need a nap this afternoon. Also took my painkillers in tablet form tonight. So much less hassle...

Night one and all and don't stay up too late ogling the posh totty on BB. J x

Ow Beagle

What an exhausting day. It kicked off at 0900 with me having blood taken and then some sort of radioactive liquid injected into my veins. I then had to have blood taken again 2 hours later and than again 2 hours after that. In between these vampiric episodes I had my head bolted to a table on 2 separate occasions. It really is an unpleasant experience and one that I will have to repeat 5 days a week for the next 6 weeks. I suppose its better than dying though. I finally left Christies at about 1330.

I then had to have a nap by which time it was visiting hours and Cath, Gill and Denise came along.

And then it was time for Big Brother. Loved the house and the rubber furniture and the whole "outside-in" theme going on. But oh my god the contestants. Don't get me started on Shabaz who needs to be killed (or at the very least voted out) at the earliest opportunity. And before everyone (except Jane) gets snooty with me for watching it, its at least better than 13 weeks of football. J x

Now I Know Why I'm Not Back In Work Yet

Walked into town and went to Boots, M & S and Paperchase. Then had to get a taxi home as was exhausted. On top of that when I got home I had to go for a 2 hour nap! Am I old? J x

Don't Listen To The Woman In The Tutu

I most certainly do have a large lump although strictly speaking it is on my neck rather than my face. Was great to see Jane and Gill today. Thank you for the beautiful flowers. Had a more hectic day today (visitors aside) as I hoovered, did some washing and also some gardening. Phew. Then settled down to watch the latest instalment of Lost. Oh my God. Who are the people who stole Michael's son? They're obviously not the people from the back of the plane (and why are half of them missing?). Got to watch next week now.

Venturing into town tomorrow. On my own. Unless you count my lump as a companion. Personally I don't since it doesn't have much to say for itself and refuses to do any of the household chores. I shall be buying myself some yoghurts and some flavoured milk - my current culinary delights! J x

Moving Swiftly On...

...(in case anyone stumbling across this site thinks we're all geeks who can only talk about doctors and flares), how are you all doing? I've had an uneventful day today since the weather has left me disinclined to do anything. Didn't even make it out of my pyjamas today (my mother will have something to say about that I'm sure).

Susie T called round today on her way to Southampton and the Mediterranean. Bon voyage sweetie (to you and Nanny) and don't forget to log on whilst on the boat.

Sorry, hope to have more to report tomorrow. J x

Dr Who

Oh dear. I liked the zeppelins though. J x

So Sad To be All Alone In The World

Well, they've gone. My Mum was still feeling a bit icky this morning but she wanted to go home so that if she got any worse she'd be able to see her own doctor. I'm really pleased that they've gone since they really need a break from looking after me. And I know that I'm self sufficient in feeding myself and controlling any pain (and frankly, what else matters) but I still feel like I've lost my safety net. I'm really grateful for all that they've done over the last few weeks and I really couldn't have had better parents. So this message is just to say "missing you already" and looking forward to seeing you again on the 24th (they're back up for the radiotherapy). J x

One Swallow...

... does a summer make. Young Sean and Frances were over the moon with my swallowing technique yesterday which was very gratifying. YS also told me that the lump on the side of my face should reduce "significantly" which is also good news. Further down the line there may also be cosmetic procedures that can be undertaken to reduce it even further. I don't think anyone is talking about my returning to my pre-op gorgeousness though. But then Cath said something that brought a tear to my eye, she said that people would like my lump because it was part of me (or words to that effect). How nice was that?

Caroline was pleased with my skin graft and I no longer have to wear a dressing on it. I'll probably still put a bandage on it if I go out or when seeing people because its still not very attractive to look at at the moment. I do get to shower now though without a bag on my arm. My trachy scar is, apparently, "over-granulating" which means its healing too much. I didn't think this was possible but I now have some cream to put on it to stop this happening.

One piece of bad news is that my Mum isn't feeling too well. So the Aged Ps have decided to stay on an extra day until she's feeling better. I now get the chance to look after her which is nice.

Jim and Denise tonight so I'll post later and let you know any further news. J x

Darn It

Spent half an hour typing out reams about my day only for the bloody blog site to collapse on me. Too late to do it all again now but rest assured you would have laughed. You would have cried. You may very well have fallen asleep. Will do it tomorrow as will have a lot of time on my hands on account of being ALL ALONE IN THE WORLD. J x

B & Q today....

... and B & Q tomorrow. Life doesn't get much sweeter than this.

Also got young Sean, Frances & Caroline in the afternoon.

Unfortunately the Scottish One had to delay her visit as she was still working at 2030! And I thought "Lean" meant everything got done a lot quicker...

Good Night One And All J x

Report

Spent afternoon at Christies. Had mould made of my head - which wasn't too bad as the mould is made of a plastic mesh so that it was possible to breathe OK. Mould maker was, I suspect, a friend of Dorothy's and therefore an all round good egg.

Have to go back on the 18th to have the mould marked up (so that they know where to direct the radiation), also to have a CT scan and finally for a kidney function test (apparemtly the chemotherapy can affect the kidneys). My radiotherapy proper then starts on the 25th for 6 weeks. The chemotherapy is given in week one and week 4. The chemotherapy apparently makes the radiotherapy side-effects worse but improves the chances of killing any cancer cells so what's a boy to do? Keep smiling and swallow the medicine! (unless my throat becomes too sore for swallowing medicine...).

Ma and Pa (aka Saints Janet & Bill of the Bowling Green) will be going home on Friday for a well deserved rest from being saintly but will be back on their clouds with their harps newly strung in time for the start of the radiotherapy. When reading this please say "hallelujah and pass the box of wine" out loud to thank them.

The wonderful gift of La Gloria wended its way here from Newcastle (via Germany and/or the US I'm not sure which) and I'm as pleased as punch that it did.

Lost. Curiouser and curiouser. What would have happened if he hadn't pressed the button? Anything? Too tired to think about it now (3 visitors tonight and Karen tomorrow - I need to conserve my strength!). And we're off to B & Q in the morning. Yippee. J x

Oh My God, Oh My God, Oh My God

I have just been sent a signed photo of Gloria Gaynor. Outstanding. Unbelievable. I am (virtually) speechless. Thank you. J x

Ho Hum

Nothing of interest happened today. Had some mushroom soup. Had a postcard from Spain. Did some dusting. All kicks off tomorrow though with visit to Christies in the afternoon for the mask making. Will update you all on that tomorrow. J x

Just Read...

...a book Caroline loaned me by Christine Piff who had cancer back in the 70s. God I just wanted to slap her she was so cheerful about everything (at least she was in the book). To be fair to her she had it much worse than I have (apparently) and so had very little to be cheerful about. But she must have felt down at times, its only natural. She should have put that in her book. There's no point pretending that things are going to be better than they are. That's also something that worries me from reading John Diamond's book. He complained about the "limited disclosure" practised by the doctors i.e. they too were pretending that things were going to be better than they were by not explaining the full implications of all his results to him. Will therefore challenge young Sean when I see him on Thursday just to make sure that I know all I need to know about the future.

Having said all the above, I'm feeling quite happy today (planted up another planter on the terrace - black grass) but not so happy that you'd want to slap me! Good night Seattle. J x

Moby Dick

Went to see it. Wished I hadn't. J x

Who'd Have Thunk It

(Deep breath, roll of drums) Actually made it to the garden centre today. Only bought 2 geraniums and some plant food but decided on tree and furniture and located whereabouts of pyrocantha so will make another trip soon when ready to plant. I lurve garden centres, particularly Bents.

Also saw speech therapist this morning (nothing to report) and Caroline (nothing to report) and have appointment to see young Sean next Thursday. I wonder how he's getting on?

Night night. J x

Big Steps

What a day it's been. I walked into town this morning to vote (first time I've ever voted Conservative but a) the candidate promised to put recycling facilities outside every appartment block in Manchester - and therefore I get brownie points with Denise - and, b), he was the cutest of all the candidates!). After voting went to Starbucks to meet my Team Leader from work. Bought myself a mocha frappacino only to discover that my suck muscles seem to be somewhat depleted and the drink was too thick for me to coax it up the straw! A huge disappointment.

Bob was well and on form. He even brought me the latest Manager's Briefing Pack detailing all the Local Compliance changes about to be implemented in HMRC. Seems I won't recognise the place when I come back (always assuming I don't go off sheep farming in Wales instead). We even discussed the possibility of me popping in to work to say hello before I start the radiotherapy but I'll have to see how things go before I decide whether I can face doing that yet.

I then walked back to the flat. This was officially my longest trip out and I was knackered by the time I got home and had to retire to my bed. So still not made it to the garden centre yet although it was so windy this afternoon I doubt we'd have been able to do anything on the terrace anyway.

Sue called round this evening and, as always, it was an absolute pleasure to see her. Kev, unfortunately, was otherwise detained elsewhere by a game of snooker and a curry.

As far as the radiotherapy goes, I have an appointment at Christies on Tuesday to have the mould made of my head. Apparently this is to ensure that your head stays absolutely still during the treatment and also that its in exactly the same position on each visit. This ensures the radiation only goes where its supposed to. Also got an appointment at MRI for tomorrow to see the speech therapist who will check on my swallowing (memo to self - check on lack of suck at the same time).

And that's all for tonight folks (barring any late night flashes of inspiration). J x

Finally....

...the food arrives. We can all breathe easy in the knowledge that I'm not about to starve to death. Phew.

Nutritionist visited this morning but didn't have much to say. Denise visited tonight and had lots to say!

Didn't make it to the garden centre as had to wait in all day for the food to arrive but may go tomorrow afternoon. Hooray.

Thanks for the flowers and the flower card. They were all beautiful. I have now had over 80 cards which is just incredible. Who knew I knew so many people (and that they remembered me and that they actually liked me)? I'm extrememly grateful to everyone for all their good wishes. J x

Lost

Phew. Not doing 3rd episode though even though v v exciting. Ms Murray, you're welcome whenever you fancy just give me a call.... J x

A Day of Many Things

Unfortunately, none of them were a garden centre.

Went to the doctor's first thing to get a prescription for painkillers and some sick notes (got one for the next 20 weeks). Will give them to Team Leader when I see him. He phoned this morning but because of running around all day didn't manage to get back to him. Will speak to him tomorrow (hopefully).

Had to go back to the ward to pick up some more Fortisips since the arrangements put in place for me to have them delivered didn't work out as planned. Nutritionist is coming to see me tomorrow now. Had dressing changed by Caroline (who we like lots now and not just because I've given her the blog address).

Dad had to go to the eye hospital (we're a sickly family!) because he's had a bloodshot eye for a couple of days. They told him it was just a burst blood vessel (phew) and nothing to worry about. It should clear up of its own accord in a couple of weeks.

Then had to go to bed as exhausted. Now wide awake and looking forward to a double helping of Lost. Can'twait. J x

Todaay...Nothing...Tomorrow...The Garden Centre

V excited obviously. Can't remember the last time I went to a garden centre. I shall be buying a maple tree, some privet bushes, some compost and a bench. This will be in line with my new and exciting plan for the terrace. Can't wait!

Denise called round tonight and Gill this afternoon so busy day for visitors. My parents (and the snooker) were banished to the bedroom for a (very) brief period.

Need to speak to the doctor (painkillers) and the nutritionist (food) tomorrow and Caroline is calling round lunch time to look at my dressings. Christy (my favourite nurse on the Head & Neck Surgical Unit) called today to find out how I was getting on which was really nice. I now need to invest in some boxes of biscuits to drop off at HNSU, HDU and ITU.

And that's all for today. Hopefully lots of exciting developments (and exciting plants) to report tomorrow. Sleep well all my lovely lovely friends out there in cyberland. J x

Is There No End To This Man's Genius?

I believe I may have sorted things so that the correct time is shown. Ha. J x

No More Presents

Don't get me wrong, I love receiving presents but its getting embarrassing now. I'm not that nice a person. Honest.

Thank you however for the champagne and the Aged Ps would say thank you for the wine were it not for the fact that they're under the table dead drunk (but still managing to watch the snooker - its the final tonight though so not much more to go).

No new ground broken today, still taking the painkillers, still feeding myself through the tube, still changing the dressings. I did however have some ice cream tonight which was very nice and hasn't given me indigestion yet (unlike the tomato soup last night).

Denise was supposed to come round tonight but unfortunately there was a bit of a shoe emergency in Birmingham (apparently she tried to walk in flats and an ambulence had to be called to take her to the cobblers for an emergebcy stilletoectomy) and so she won't be around until tomorrow. J x

Nurse Lewis

My mother and I have just successfully managed to change the dressing on my arm. We're so clever.

Dr Who a little disappointing. SJS was a nice idea but the plot wasn't really up to scratch. I notice it didn't seem to be by Russell T tonight. I thought he'd written them all? I'll allow the geeks to put me right on that one....

I would like to say a public thank you for the aloe vera plant. J x

All Quiet On The North Western Front

Done nothing today. Caroline came round to change my dressings. Apparently my arm is healing well despite looking all green and gunky. Started reading the John Diamond book but have been warned that everyone has their own journey to make through cancer and that other people's stories, whilst interesting, will not mirror my own. Which is just as well because he died. And I'm not going to. I hope.

Denise came round tonight and bought her way into my parent's affections (its amazing what a bottle of Cava will do!). They now love her more than they love me. She's promised to come round again Sunday with her friend "Boobs".

Feeling sad tonight but I was warned that its easy to become depressed on the first few days home. Hopefully it'll pass soon.

Thanks to everyone for the continuing support, you're really helping me through this. Special thanks go to the sender of the beautiful orchids and to Fig for being the funny one. J x

Guess What I Just Found

At first I was afraidI was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
Without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights
Thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew strong
And I learned how to get along
And so you're back
From outer space
I just walked in to find you here
With that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
You'd be back to bother me

Go on now go walk out the door
Just turn around now'cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
Did you think
I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as I know how to loveI know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
And I'll surviveI will survive (hey hey)

It took all the strength I had
Not to fall apart
Kept trying hard to mend
The pieces of my broken heart
And I spent oh so many nights
Just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
But now I hold my head up high
And you see me
Somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
Still in love with you
And so you felt like dropping in
And just expect me to be free
But now I'm saving all my loving
For someone who's loving me

Go on now go walk out the door
Just turn around now'cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye
Did you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as I know how to loveI know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
And I'll surviveI will survive (oh)

Go on now go, walk out the door
Just turn around now'cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye
Did you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as I know how to loveI know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
And I'll surviveI will survive I will survive...!

And so say all of us.... J x

There's No Place Like...

...home. Home. HOME.

Hurrah. My own bed, my own toilet, my own dust... What could be better?

However, have just spent a couple of hours at Christies finding out what's in store for me next and its not going to be a picnic from here on in either. The side effects from the radio and chemo therapies can be difficult and painful. However, the radiotherapy consultant, whilst not promising anything and attaching all sorts of caveats, stated that he was "confident" of a cure. A cure. A fucking CURE. I think that means that I get to carry on living. I cried. I'm still crying.

Sorted things with Caroline today i.e. she admitted that I'd received crap service as she had no replacement whilst she was on leave. I told her how I felt. She's coming to the flat tomorrow to change my dressings. She also told me that its not unusual to get depressed for a couple of days after release from hospital as you start to relax. If I get maudlin on here I apologise now.

Now in charge of my own feeding times and administering painkillers which is fantastic. Not in charge of my own telly unfortunately as Aged Ps are still here and enjoying the snooker....

Have got various visits to Christies to make in the next few weeks before the radiotherapy kicks in so will be available for visits in that time (may need to restrict once the radiotherapy starts) so feel free to ring and arrange. I warn you though that I get very tired very quickly so don't bank on spending more than an hour or so and I won't be having loads of people all on the same night (you'll have to wait for September for that - theme "A Night at the Oper(ett)a" don't forget).

Anyway, more cheerful than sad at the moment and glad that I can finally stop clicking my heels together... J x

Yum Yum

Cherry yoghurt. Ate the whole thing, no problems. Will stick with tummy feeding until after the radiotherapy though and just have the occasional taste treat. Will post an update from home tomorrow when I should have a better idea of my treatment programme and also can then make some decisions about visiting etc. Feeling happy today though. Would like to take this opportunity to thank people for the bag of herbs and the small empty box. J x

Where's The Bloody Yoghurt?

Speech therapists seem to have become as thin on the ground as cancer nurses. Was supposed to have seen Frances yesterday but she didn't show and no-one knows why. Shoddy customer service if you ask me as well as a failure of common courtesy. Since I can feed myself through my tube anyway it shouldn't delay me going home. Phew. Christies appointment tomorrow is at 1145, don't know how long for (apparently they need to make a mould for positioning my head for the radiotherapy). I also get to meet a whole new bunch of consultants. Could last for days therefore...! J x

It's Oh So Quiet

In fact its a no-news-day today. 2 more nights in hospital and then home though so yippee. Of course now starting to fret over whether or not the NHS will be able to make all the necessary arrangements (transport, painkillers, district nurse visits etc). Painkillers being my number one priority of course... J x

The Good and The Bad

The good news is that I will be seeing the people at Christies on Thursday and going home after that. Yippee. The less good news is that having survived everything so far there is still a chance that the cancer has already spread. If that is the case then the prognosis is not good. Unfortunately there's no way of knowing yet. Still, lets keep our fingers crossed. J x

Now Don't Get Excited But...

...have just seen the doctor (Taz, one of the registrars) and he is using words like "fantastic", "looking really healthy", "mushy food" and "end of next week". He also asked how much support I had (which brought a tear to my eye) and I just had to say "loads" rather than mentioning each of you by name (otherwise he'd still be here!). Today is now officially a good day. J x

Scatalogical Musings

First firm stool passed this morning. Hurrah. Feeling a little down though. No particular reason except that its the weekend again and so very little is happening. J x

V Amusing

Dr Who II - very good. Been a quiet day today, not seen any real doctors. Had a bath this morning (first time in 3 weeks that I've washed properly) which was nice. Have been sipping coffee but it doesn't taste right. Hope that changes. Saw Sue & Kev yesterday and Gill tonight. Not going to make myself generally available for visitors though until I'm back in the flat (hopefully some time next week). All the support you've been giving me has been fantastic though and its really helped me through some rough passages. Thank you. J x

God Bless The BBC

And BBC3 in particular. Have now watched Dr Who's first episode and whilst I didn't think it was as bad as my Dad thought I won't be going to any conventions anytime soon... Sipping water as I type! J x

Hurrah

Second swallow not needed. And I can drink coffee tomorrow. Coffee, mmmmmmmmmmmmmm J x

One Down

And it all went down the right way too! Tube up nose is uncomfortable but the least of my worries. X-Ray one set for 1530 but Frances (speech therapist) thinks I may not need it. She's going to check with young Sean. Lost 2 more pounds this week. J x

Now They Tell Me

Turns out there could be 2 swallows going on tomorrow. One done with a camera up my nose and down my throat whilst the other invlovves barium and X-Rays. None of them involve a general anaesthetic though so not too worried. Also want to thank the senders of the CD and the Wizard of Oz picture. Thanks guys. J x

Today Feels Like a Good Day

Don't know why especially. Did sleep quite well though last night. Have had remaining stitches out (apart from trachy ones) as well as the majority of remaining clips this morning. Feeding going well (if a bit messy) but not burped a flavour yet. Can now climb 2 flights of stairs and speech is improving slowly. Swelling is coming down but I still look grotesque. And that's all there is at the moment folks. May start with visitors next week, lets just see how it goes. J x

Balloons and Books and Cards Oh My

Thank you people. You know who you are. These things I have to feed myself (Fortisips) through my tummy tube come in different flavours. Why? J x

Bugger

Son of speech therapist is ill therefore swallow not happening until Friday. Had some staples taken out this morning so some progress made today. Also feeding myself. J x

Of Caroline We Do Not Speak

For those of you not aware of the treatment programme offered to me before this hell began, Caroline was the shining apogee (correct use of the word? No idea, why didn't I pack a dictionary?). Here was a specially trained nurse whose sole role within the ENT Department was to champion the concerns and issues of cancer patients. When one considers that I've had 3 trips to the theatre spent 4 days in Intensive Care and an equal number on a High Dependency Unit followed by a prolonged ward stay. When one considers that the operation I have now received is different from the operation originally proposed and the results of this are likely to be a higher level of facial and vocal disfigurement one would imagine that Caroline would have barely left my side. And yet I have not seen or heard from her. Not once. To say that I am less than impressed gives you no idea of the depth of my feelings on this topic... J

Whoosh!

What a difference a day makes. Have seen the doctors, the speech therapist, the dietician and the physiotherapist. Now have a swallow test tomorrow afternoon, I start "bolusing" my nutrition (i.e. I feed myself rather than a machine doing it) tomorrow as well. I climbed some stairs today (hurrah) and also had my trachy hole sutured. Exhausted? You've no idea but also elated at the same time. Going for a sleep now (1700) and will post later J x

Now Feeling Sad

Not sure why. I don't suppose listening to "Rent" (a musical about Aids) on the MP3 player helps. Its probably just a long weekend without much happening (and to think I used to look forward to them). Things will kick off again tomorrow no doubt and I'll feel more positive. Really, really annoying man taken up residence in bed opposite. Very loud and very demanding.

I wonder how long all this is going to take? I also wonder what that question means? Difficult to type on this handset so will save the philisophical debates for when I'm back home and really, at the moment, that is as far ahead as one should look. Goodnight all. J x

Same Again

Nothing to report really. Since have had lots of stiches out, having a few new ones seems like a retro step but they're going to suture my trachy hole tomorrow. Not healing on its own apparently. Doesn't seem significant though. Swallow test may be next week now. Am fed up and starting to look forward to going home. J x

An Uneventful Day

Had a few stiches out, Jesus died and was reborn, saw parents. As I said, uneventful. Have to do something called a 'swallow test' next week. Am expecting rounds of applause, never mind top marks!

Jane, Honey, You Make Me Cry

But in a good way - if there are any good ways in all this darkness and the blackness. My friends and family are going to have to be my torch bearers in the coming weeks, months and possibly years ahead to show me the paths I need to tread. We won't always agree on the way forward but if we try to stay strong we'll learn how to get along. I just thank La Gloria that I never changed the locks or made you leave your keys. Love to you all. J x

It's all Self, Self, Self with me

Anyone know how little Kylie is getting on?

I Leaned How To Get Along

This, I suspect, is going to be the difficult bit. I Will Survive really just comes from taking the medicine. I've got a lot of learning to do. Had rubbish night (again) which is why pehaps feeling a bit maudlin at the moment. All this is coupled with the knowledge that my parents are going to B & Q this morning without me. My favourite trip out bar none. Still I assume my terrace will look a little better this year... J x

And Now The Bloody Telly Won't Work

I have access to 4 (yes count them 1, 2, 3, 4) ITV channels and not a single BBC station. And I was all set to watch that Passion thing too. And what about Dr Who on Saturday? Lord knows my parents will never manage the video on their own... Sometimes cancer really gets in the way of having a good time... Jx

Bowel Movements

Had my 3rd in 11 days about 5 minutes ago. Not easy but rather satisfying... J x

The Easter Message

As brought to you from this bed sponsored by Jesus, it's Busy in Here Co Ltd supported by The Chocolate Foundation.

Who decided to have bloody Easter this weekend? It means, of course, that I can't get a single thing done. Half the staff are off and the ones who are here are running around looking after the chair requirements of visitors. Meanwhile I'm left here hooked up to a bag of godknowswhatbutnowaydoesitinvolvechoccies dripping into my stomach at the rate of 125ml per hour.

On the positive side, had my final drains removed this morning so feeding is currently my only tube. The dressing on my left arm was removed and the doctor professed himself pleased with that graft at least. The staples on my (Op 1) scar were also removed. On the downside I'm still the elephant man (and likely to remain so). May post again later on. J x

Um...

Afraid I'm under rather a lot of very heavy drugs at the moment and have been so for some time. I'm not saying I didnt mean those things but ..... get a life girlfriend. The fact is I have survived some things. I may still have cancer but then so may you. The things I have been through and am yet to go through may not be pleasant but then I've seen where some of you live and you ain't got it coming any easier neither sisters (apparently one of my transfusions may have included blood from La Gloria Herself). Let us all take a quiet moment here chillin. Its true that my appearance has altered fairly radically and I'm really not ready for my close up but I may be anytime soon - just watch this space. Lets see how things stand after Easter. I hope you all get really fat (moi-meme now being a whole lot less than he was) and finally, finally, finally can I ask you all to put your hands together for the support team that is my Mum and Dad. Never was a fighter endowed with 2 worthier champions than I am with them. All together now... "At first I was afraid. I was petrified.... J x

cancer is a cunt

i am not yet through anything.i have not survived anything i want no visitors. currently i merely exist in a different part of the hospital to yesterday, please do not just turn up.

i can tell you that i am no longer the person i was. i have been through the largest emotional and physical experiences of my life and what the consequences of that may be are hidden from me at the moment. i do however want to thank you for all your good wishes and good thoughts this past week.

ill post again if i have the opportunity

Tick

0640 Fingers crossed everyone please. Hopefully see you all soon. Lots of love. J x

Tick Tick Tick

2300 Just been given some other experimental drug on a drip for the last 20 mins and I haven't swelled up like the elephant man yet (which I'm taking as a positive sign). It's part of this study I agreed to. They've also just discovered that I haven't consented for tomorrow so they're rushing a doctor to me as we speak. I'm ready for bed though so they better not be too long... zzzzz J x

You Guys

1800 Shucks. What did I ever do to deserve you lot? Thank you so much for all the messages. They really help. Now back in hospital and mum and dad have just left. Its quite noisy though as Sunday seems to be a popular visiting day. 2 new patients as far as I can see. One sniffy queen directly opposite who I've taken an instant and irrational dislike to. Diagonally opposite is somone from Salford (judging by the fact that every visitor is wearing a track suit). I think he's in as a ruse so that his family can scout for body parts to sell from their market stall. Supper tonight was curried vegetables. I think its the hospital's way of getting you to look forward to nutritional supplements... Will try and post again before bed and then a (not) final message in the morning (Drama queen? Moi?). J x

The Day Before The Day

Can't think what to write now. Cleaned my tube and rotated it all on my own this morning. Clever me. Had a shower and a shave. Just waiting to go back in to hospital now. Trying not to think about tomorrow. Actually its not tomorrow that is the worrying thing. I'll be under a general anaesthetic and if I die on the operating table then I won't know anything about it. Its the time after the operation that is worrying. How much pain/discomfort will I be in? How disfiguring is the scarring going to be? How long before I can stop peeing in a bottle? This last one might seem a little trite but its the one thing that sticks in my mind above all the others. Why is that? Anyway, I remain fairly confident that I'll get through the operation (the consultant, Young Sean as you may recall, does get a lunch break apparently) and we'll just have to see how the rest pans out. There are loads of things I still want to do though so I'm going to try and keep those uppermost in my mind. I'll post again when I'm back in the hospital -- hopefully still in the same bed! J x

There's Always A Price

Macaroni cheese was scrummy. And I didn't have too much. Nor too much of the ice cream afterwards. Nor too much of the wine and coffee. So how come my tummy hurts? I blame those people in the endoscopy unit. Not content with making me wait an extra day for the peg I now think they did strange and unnatural things to me whilst I was sedated (given that I was sedated I probably joined in wholeheartedly with the strange and unnatural things but they're professionals - they should have known better than to encourage me). My dreams have been haunted lately by strange images of people playing doctor and nurses games. Its horrible I tell you. Whatever happened to the strange games the doctors and doctors used to play in my dreams? Anyway off for a kip now with Dr Drake Ramorey and Dr Who (but can you guess which one?). Night J x P.S. Had a cry today too because I'm quite scared (sorry but you get the warts and all on this blog, not just the nice stuff)

There's No Place Like...

...City Road East! Hurrah. I'm home. And my mum is going to cook macaroni cheese for me tonight. Double Hurrah. Tube in tummy thing is aching a bit but otherwise not too troublesome. I have a hiatus hernia apparently. Not sure how one gets these but my mum assures me its because I'm too fat. Hey ho, bring on the weight loss....

Feeling quite tired actually and have already slept for 2 hours this afternoon despite sleeping quite well last night. Officially I'm still in hospital as they didn't discharge me so that they can keep the bed (did I tell you this already?). Not thinking about Monday until it comes. I remain optimistic though. Nothing more to say really at this point so will post you all later. J x P.S. Can anyone else see a posting from "John"? he assures me he can see it but I can't (unless he's deleted himself by accident - hence the deleted comment?).