Todaay...Nothing...Tomorrow...The Garden Centre

V excited obviously. Can't remember the last time I went to a garden centre. I shall be buying a maple tree, some privet bushes, some compost and a bench. This will be in line with my new and exciting plan for the terrace. Can't wait!

Denise called round tonight and Gill this afternoon so busy day for visitors. My parents (and the snooker) were banished to the bedroom for a (very) brief period.

Need to speak to the doctor (painkillers) and the nutritionist (food) tomorrow and Caroline is calling round lunch time to look at my dressings. Christy (my favourite nurse on the Head & Neck Surgical Unit) called today to find out how I was getting on which was really nice. I now need to invest in some boxes of biscuits to drop off at HNSU, HDU and ITU.

And that's all for today. Hopefully lots of exciting developments (and exciting plants) to report tomorrow. Sleep well all my lovely lovely friends out there in cyberland. J x

Is There No End To This Man's Genius?

I believe I may have sorted things so that the correct time is shown. Ha. J x

No More Presents

Don't get me wrong, I love receiving presents but its getting embarrassing now. I'm not that nice a person. Honest.

Thank you however for the champagne and the Aged Ps would say thank you for the wine were it not for the fact that they're under the table dead drunk (but still managing to watch the snooker - its the final tonight though so not much more to go).

No new ground broken today, still taking the painkillers, still feeding myself through the tube, still changing the dressings. I did however have some ice cream tonight which was very nice and hasn't given me indigestion yet (unlike the tomato soup last night).

Denise was supposed to come round tonight but unfortunately there was a bit of a shoe emergency in Birmingham (apparently she tried to walk in flats and an ambulence had to be called to take her to the cobblers for an emergebcy stilletoectomy) and so she won't be around until tomorrow. J x

Nurse Lewis

My mother and I have just successfully managed to change the dressing on my arm. We're so clever.

Dr Who a little disappointing. SJS was a nice idea but the plot wasn't really up to scratch. I notice it didn't seem to be by Russell T tonight. I thought he'd written them all? I'll allow the geeks to put me right on that one....

I would like to say a public thank you for the aloe vera plant. J x

All Quiet On The North Western Front

Done nothing today. Caroline came round to change my dressings. Apparently my arm is healing well despite looking all green and gunky. Started reading the John Diamond book but have been warned that everyone has their own journey to make through cancer and that other people's stories, whilst interesting, will not mirror my own. Which is just as well because he died. And I'm not going to. I hope.

Denise came round tonight and bought her way into my parent's affections (its amazing what a bottle of Cava will do!). They now love her more than they love me. She's promised to come round again Sunday with her friend "Boobs".

Feeling sad tonight but I was warned that its easy to become depressed on the first few days home. Hopefully it'll pass soon.

Thanks to everyone for the continuing support, you're really helping me through this. Special thanks go to the sender of the beautiful orchids and to Fig for being the funny one. J x

Guess What I Just Found

At first I was afraidI was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
Without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights
Thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew strong
And I learned how to get along
And so you're back
From outer space
I just walked in to find you here
With that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
You'd be back to bother me

Go on now go walk out the door
Just turn around now'cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
Did you think
I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as I know how to loveI know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
And I'll surviveI will survive (hey hey)

It took all the strength I had
Not to fall apart
Kept trying hard to mend
The pieces of my broken heart
And I spent oh so many nights
Just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
But now I hold my head up high
And you see me
Somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
Still in love with you
And so you felt like dropping in
And just expect me to be free
But now I'm saving all my loving
For someone who's loving me

Go on now go walk out the door
Just turn around now'cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye
Did you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as I know how to loveI know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
And I'll surviveI will survive (oh)

Go on now go, walk out the door
Just turn around now'cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye
Did you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as I know how to loveI know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
And I'll surviveI will survive I will survive...!

And so say all of us.... J x

There's No Place Like...

...home. Home. HOME.

Hurrah. My own bed, my own toilet, my own dust... What could be better?

However, have just spent a couple of hours at Christies finding out what's in store for me next and its not going to be a picnic from here on in either. The side effects from the radio and chemo therapies can be difficult and painful. However, the radiotherapy consultant, whilst not promising anything and attaching all sorts of caveats, stated that he was "confident" of a cure. A cure. A fucking CURE. I think that means that I get to carry on living. I cried. I'm still crying.

Sorted things with Caroline today i.e. she admitted that I'd received crap service as she had no replacement whilst she was on leave. I told her how I felt. She's coming to the flat tomorrow to change my dressings. She also told me that its not unusual to get depressed for a couple of days after release from hospital as you start to relax. If I get maudlin on here I apologise now.

Now in charge of my own feeding times and administering painkillers which is fantastic. Not in charge of my own telly unfortunately as Aged Ps are still here and enjoying the snooker....

Have got various visits to Christies to make in the next few weeks before the radiotherapy kicks in so will be available for visits in that time (may need to restrict once the radiotherapy starts) so feel free to ring and arrange. I warn you though that I get very tired very quickly so don't bank on spending more than an hour or so and I won't be having loads of people all on the same night (you'll have to wait for September for that - theme "A Night at the Oper(ett)a" don't forget).

Anyway, more cheerful than sad at the moment and glad that I can finally stop clicking my heels together... J x

Yum Yum

Cherry yoghurt. Ate the whole thing, no problems. Will stick with tummy feeding until after the radiotherapy though and just have the occasional taste treat. Will post an update from home tomorrow when I should have a better idea of my treatment programme and also can then make some decisions about visiting etc. Feeling happy today though. Would like to take this opportunity to thank people for the bag of herbs and the small empty box. J x

Where's The Bloody Yoghurt?

Speech therapists seem to have become as thin on the ground as cancer nurses. Was supposed to have seen Frances yesterday but she didn't show and no-one knows why. Shoddy customer service if you ask me as well as a failure of common courtesy. Since I can feed myself through my tube anyway it shouldn't delay me going home. Phew. Christies appointment tomorrow is at 1145, don't know how long for (apparently they need to make a mould for positioning my head for the radiotherapy). I also get to meet a whole new bunch of consultants. Could last for days therefore...! J x

It's Oh So Quiet

In fact its a no-news-day today. 2 more nights in hospital and then home though so yippee. Of course now starting to fret over whether or not the NHS will be able to make all the necessary arrangements (transport, painkillers, district nurse visits etc). Painkillers being my number one priority of course... J x

The Good and The Bad

The good news is that I will be seeing the people at Christies on Thursday and going home after that. Yippee. The less good news is that having survived everything so far there is still a chance that the cancer has already spread. If that is the case then the prognosis is not good. Unfortunately there's no way of knowing yet. Still, lets keep our fingers crossed. J x

Now Don't Get Excited But...

...have just seen the doctor (Taz, one of the registrars) and he is using words like "fantastic", "looking really healthy", "mushy food" and "end of next week". He also asked how much support I had (which brought a tear to my eye) and I just had to say "loads" rather than mentioning each of you by name (otherwise he'd still be here!). Today is now officially a good day. J x

Scatalogical Musings

First firm stool passed this morning. Hurrah. Feeling a little down though. No particular reason except that its the weekend again and so very little is happening. J x

V Amusing

Dr Who II - very good. Been a quiet day today, not seen any real doctors. Had a bath this morning (first time in 3 weeks that I've washed properly) which was nice. Have been sipping coffee but it doesn't taste right. Hope that changes. Saw Sue & Kev yesterday and Gill tonight. Not going to make myself generally available for visitors though until I'm back in the flat (hopefully some time next week). All the support you've been giving me has been fantastic though and its really helped me through some rough passages. Thank you. J x

God Bless The BBC

And BBC3 in particular. Have now watched Dr Who's first episode and whilst I didn't think it was as bad as my Dad thought I won't be going to any conventions anytime soon... Sipping water as I type! J x

Hurrah

Second swallow not needed. And I can drink coffee tomorrow. Coffee, mmmmmmmmmmmmmm J x

One Down

And it all went down the right way too! Tube up nose is uncomfortable but the least of my worries. X-Ray one set for 1530 but Frances (speech therapist) thinks I may not need it. She's going to check with young Sean. Lost 2 more pounds this week. J x

Now They Tell Me

Turns out there could be 2 swallows going on tomorrow. One done with a camera up my nose and down my throat whilst the other invlovves barium and X-Rays. None of them involve a general anaesthetic though so not too worried. Also want to thank the senders of the CD and the Wizard of Oz picture. Thanks guys. J x

Today Feels Like a Good Day

Don't know why especially. Did sleep quite well though last night. Have had remaining stitches out (apart from trachy ones) as well as the majority of remaining clips this morning. Feeding going well (if a bit messy) but not burped a flavour yet. Can now climb 2 flights of stairs and speech is improving slowly. Swelling is coming down but I still look grotesque. And that's all there is at the moment folks. May start with visitors next week, lets just see how it goes. J x

Balloons and Books and Cards Oh My

Thank you people. You know who you are. These things I have to feed myself (Fortisips) through my tummy tube come in different flavours. Why? J x