Sorry, But Its Bad News

Saw Dr Bailey this afternoon to get the results of the PET scan.  Unfortunately this shows that the cancer has spread outside my right lung.  The "hotspots" that show up are -

* One of the glands just outside my right lung
* The lining of the pleura (this, you may recall is where we got all the "negative" biopsy results - but that may be down to sampling error on account of all the fluid that was present).
* My left lung
* My hip bones

A rather bizarre list of places (particularly the hip) but there you go.  This means that surgery and cure are no longer on the table.  We revert instead to the original prognosis of 12-18 months.  Upsetting in its own way but I at least have some certainty now and can plan what time I have left accordingly.  I know it sounds odd but I prefer this to the uncertainty I had before with things dragging on from week to week.  To be honest it had all started to get me down a bit.

I will now see the oncologist, Dr Burt, on Friday to discuss palliative treatment options.  This, realistically, is likely to just be chemotherapy.  Before deciding whether to go ahead with this I will want to find out how much extra time its likely to buy me, what the side effects are likely to be in terms of pain, debilitation, my hair (I don't have a lot but I like what I've got!) etc.  I can then make decisions.  I can also, if I wish, start treatment, see how it goes and then give it up if I want to.  But that's likely to prove problematic for the people around me so it may be better to just decide one way or the other from the outset.

My main goal in all this will be quality of life rather than quantity.  I'm not going to cling onto life by my fingernails in the hope of that miracle sure just around the corner.  I hope everyone will be able to respect my wishes and support me in my choices even if its not what they would do given the same circumstances.

I know this news will be upsetting for a lot of you.  Bizarrely, probably more upsetting than it is for me.  It may be that it will take time to sink in and I will feel more upset than I do right now.  Maybe I'm in shock but it doesn't feel like that to me.  I now know what I know and for me that is better than not knowing. So if I have 12 months left then I will try and spend that 12 months doing the things I want to do (which is unlikely to include travelling the world) in my own quiet way and just enjoying myself with the ones I love.

I don't want to get overly dramatic here but its difficult when one is discussing life and death stuff not to sound melodramatic.  I want to thank you all for the help and support I've had over the years because you've made a huge difference to my life and  I hope you can make as much of a difference to my death too by continuing to help and support me. I feel fairly confident that you will but I just wanted to make sure you all realised how thankful I am to have such a great bunch of friends looking out for me.  A poor Welsh gay boy couldn't ask for any more.  Thanks.

I will, of course, be updating this daily and particularly on Friday once I know what my options are. That's all bunnies.  J x

Oh, except P.S.  What the fuck is it with Brighton?  I've been trying to text Fig & Karen with the above news before publishing it here but the messages won't get through.  Every other bugger around the country received their's OK but not you two.  So sorry if this is the first you're hearing about this.