OK. Enough. Fed up with feeling sorry for myself. What happens now ? Well, I get through the radiotherapy, I have a fabulous time in Brompton Lakes, my parents come up to stay, I go to Ibiza, I sort stuff with Macmillan, I go home for Xmas, something happens in Australia - fuck knows what, Ashes? - I go to Istanbul.... loads of fucking fabulous things happen. Not feeling sorry any more. Thanks for the help :-) J x
Tuesday, September 03, 2013
So....
... sometimes it just creeps up on you, you know. Yes I know I have cancer. And yes I know it will kill me. But I don't think about it all the time. And then all of a sudden I'll get a twinge in my back and I think: that's the cancer. It's going to kill me. And it really fucks me up. And makes me cry. And makes me scared. But not all the time. Mostly I'm OK. But you need to understand that there's this whole scary stuff going on too. And however positive I seem, I'm really scared as well. But I don't want to be scared. I want to be strong. I want to be positive. But I can't do it on my own. I need you to help me. Fuck. I didn't want to write all this stuff. Don't know if I'll press the "publish" button or not. I probably should so you know how it is for me. But I don't want you to feel bad either. I just want you to understand. It's all fucking bollocks. Cancer is a complete cunt. It has no rationale. Yes it's all my fault because I was a smoker but: fuck! What happens now?
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3 comments:
Publish and be damned.
That's one of the best entries you've ever posted. It lets us all right in, right into the detail, the fear, the uncomfortable stuff. It give us permission to say things we might previously not have thought appropriate and it speaks more about your strength than your fear. Sharing is good.
Of course, having typed that I can't think of a single thing to say that I haven't said before ...
though I'm now very worried about your birthday present because its either going to seem the most innapropriate gift ever or its going to make you scream with delight and roar with laughter and appreciation (fingers crossed... and I am many miles away so cannot be thumped).
So ... three things
1) Pre-birthday wishes for tommorow... I will, of course be in touch
2) Keep being honest with us
3) Love you so much I might go and have a little cry ... which would be awkward as I'm typing this at work...
fig x x x x x x x x x x x x
Well I'm not at work so am treating myself to a little cry.
But what else to say apart from Fig's lovely thoughts and words?
I love you too and will try to be a lot more supportive in future!
xxxxxx
You guys. You already do support me in the best possible ways. Thank you. J x
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